My Baby Girl

I can't believe this process is nearly over.  There's something about concluding this chapter.  It was 10 months and 2 weeks ago that Ky was born - 10 months, 1 week, and 3 days ago that I held her for the first time.  

I remember that day so clearly.  I was at the end of myself, sobbing my eyes out in my counselor's office because I just couldn't handle any more grief or agony.  

I knew she was on her way, just not when exactly she was coming.  I was one of the first to realize she even existed.  The case worker called me 3 times in a row, my home supervisor started calling me.  I looked at my counselor and just laughed maniacally, told him the news and he looked like he had lost his marbles too.  I left early, went home and picked up John then headed to the county building.  I was so mad.  She was due right around when one of my biological babies would have been due, had i not had an ectopic pregnancy.  Every time i saw bio mom big and pregnant i just went home and cried.  I didn't want her.  

We took her home and Charissa stopped over with a meal and some clothes.  I took Ky to girls night at Starbucks with me where all my other mom friends gave me the run down and when to feed, how much, schedules, etc.  They giggled when Ky pooped all over me because John and I couldn't figure out how to put a newborn diaper on correctly.  We went to Babies R Us after and checked out all the really great stuff for babies.

A few days after Ky being with us, I couldn't put her down.  She wasn't a replacement, she was healing wounds that i refused to admit were there.  Here was my baby!  I wouldn't leave her in the nursery at church because I couldn't be away from her.  I fell in love.  I was then told that she would most likely be moving to live with family.  It broke my heart.  How do you let go?  The following weeks and months were so emotional and heartbreaking.  Is she staying?  Will she leave and break my heart more?  How will i survive this?  I remember being in Bible study and just crying the entire time, refusing to hold her.  Someone was sitting next to me holding her and she was crying and she was looking for me and I just kept wondering what would happen to her when she was looking for me but i wouldn't be there.

She ended up staying and here we are 10 months, 1 week, and 3 days since my daughter came home to be with me.   God has used her to heal my brokenness.  To teach me that having children isn't about biology.  I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.  Her name is unique, Zakyra - originally spelled Zah'Kyirah.  I recently found the meaning, God remembered.  It fits so perfectly.  God remembered that I wanted a baby.  God remembered that I wanted a little girl.  God remembered how broken I was and healed my heart.  God remembered.

Tomorrow her biological parents' rights will be terminated and then she will never leave.  She will always be mine.  We will start the adoption process and in a few months, it will be legal.  It's amazing to look back on this time and see everything we've been through with her.  Every tear that was shed, every laugh, every smile.  The milestones.  Seeing her crawl across a room just to be near me.  Knowing i would give my life for her.  I can't believe we are already here, it was so worth it.

I love you baby girl, Zakyra Bess.