And I thank you, thank you.... Lord

I get kissed by the sun each morning
Put my feet on the hardwood floor
I get to hear my children laughing
Down the hall through my bedroom door
Sometimes I sit on my front porch swing
Just soaking up the day
I think to myself
I think to myself
This world is a beautiful place

Chorus:
I have been blessed
And i feel like I've found my way
I thank God for all I've been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed

With so much more than i deserve
To be here with the ones that love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed

Across a crowded room
I know you know what im thinkin
By the way I look at you
And when we're lying in the quiet
And no words have to be said
I think to myself
I think to myself
This love is a beautiful gift

[Chorus]

When Im, When I'm singin my kids to sleep
When i feel you holding me
I know...

[Chorus]

"Blessed" Martina McBride

I can't even begin to explain how i've been feeling the last 2 weeks. I am in awe and amazed by life these days. I feel so much more like myself than i have in the last 3 or 4 months and sometimes it feels like those months never even happened. I cant even begin to explain the joy, peace, and contentment i've been feeling and i credit it to God. I dont know what he's been doing in my life or how he is working but i feel like i could fly and for once its not based on me. And i know God's in charge because there are so many things that have hurt really bad and having my heart crushed from certain situations and just really having none of my own resources to rely on yet feeling so much peace and love on the inside. I dont deserve this, i dont deserve the love and peace that i feel and yet im in awe as to why i am able to feel that. Healing and forgiveness that i thought would be so hard to recieve. Going to south carolina was such a blessing, meeting the people there and hanging out with old friends. It was hilarious to see and be around girls that dont accept bad qualities from guys, dont accept no faith and dont accept laziness and require to be lead and respected and love and it really gave me hope that there are guys out there like that and that its unacceptable for me not to hold out for them. I'm just so thankful right now and it really made thanksgiving a blessing this year. Its funny really, how every other thanksgiving id have to sit around a room and tell why im blessed and never really had an answer, and this year when i wanted to scream thanksgivings from the rooftop, we dont do that. But im just so excited and i guess i wanted to share that with whoever reads my blog and hope that it can be a testament to the faithfulness of God even when we are everything but faithful.

They're Married!

Candice and Brandon's wedding was beautiful. It's hard to believe that they are actually married. I remembered the very beginning of the entire process, meeting with Dave Sharman and me and Candice and Brandon for accountability and community. It is wonderful to see how that time back then has blossomed into a marriage built upon their faith in God. To see also their commitment to eachother and their Heavenly Father and that they were faithful and kept to their purity commitments and respect for eachother. They give me a new hope, that there will be a man that will treat me as that some day and it is a wonderful feeling. Anywho, i need to go, but more on that later. Yay for Mr. and Mrs. Brandon Streff!!!

AGH!

Ya know, i seem to think that if my mom were really sick and she needed someone to take care of her, no one would have a problem with me moving to take care of someone close to me that was sick. So...what if i moved to take care of someone that was sick... that someone is me. It just like if someone is so depressed that they don't know quite what they're capable of, shouldnt they go get help? If someone thinks they are dangerous, shouldnt they check themselves in somewhere? I think no one you have any right to tell me what is best for me until you are in my thoughts and emotions or until you actually take the time to listen to what i have to say. So stop your complaining, pouting, gossiping and slandering because its getting old really fast and it makes me want to have nothing to do ever again with the Jesus YOU talk about because YOUR actions speak louder than words. I'd rather move and do what i know is best for me no matter what you believe, then have Ruth come home to a dead roommate, consider that, cuz im not joking.

Because I don't owe an explaination to everyone...

But I'd rather explain myself than have gossip continue to spread or people's ideas about why i left being passed around in the circle of people who have met me. I feel like the only person i really owed an explain was Ruth because it really own effects here directly and everyone else indirectly.

I want to preface this blog with saying that it is not meant to be a slam to anyone or put anyone down, but to clarify what has been happening because there has been a lot of misunderstanding.

Arizona has been really hard for a long time, since the minute i got down there, actually since this past summer. I think that my mistake was in not telling people how i felt this summer when breaking a lease could have been avoided. But i decided to stick with a commitment i made hoping that it was just 'cold feet' in a sense and that i'd get over it. When i thought about leaving right when i got there, there were a lot of factors that played into it but i knew overall it just didnt feel right. The factors at that point would have been wrong to go back for and i think it took sticking it out for a few months to realize that really, it was a wrong fit for me and to go back for the right reasons instead of the wrong ones.

What went down most recently was the following... I was having a really hard time throughout the entire month of October and when i look back on my entire arizona experience i can count on less than one hand the number of days i didnt cry. Anywho, october was hard and i tried to talk to people who supported me and were there for me by phone on a daily basis. They listened to my cry, listened to me question myself and my feelings, question my decisions... I talked to one of them and they were like if you dont like your life then change it. So i started to, i quit my job and found another, i started meeting with and talking to people who i felt i had hurt and started repairing bridges. In between ending one job and starting the other which i was actually really excited about, i had 5 days off and figured i would go stir crazy sitting home by myself during that time. I had been really depressed and decided that going back to colorado for a weekend would be a nice way to be affirmed and encouraged and i recieved so much of that and more. Hugs from everyone, loving comments, people begging me to come back and me fighting them over it telling them i had responsibilities. When it came down to it everyone asked me if i was happy and when they found out i wasnt, followed with, then what are you going back for? Anywho, i came back ready to start a new job and make things work but still feeling so alone and so unwelcome and so unappreciated and so invisible. I started my job and found out they only gave me 25 hours instead of the 32-40 that they promised and that i needed to actually pay my bills. i asked them about it and they said well no one gets hired at full time and i said no they hired me not full time status but hours and then she assured me again that no one gets those hours starting out. so now im facing depression, lonliness, and the inability to pay the bills. my mom called me and heard in my voice that i was depressed and she said ya know mandie, i hear in your voice that you think you are a failure and you have lost the ability to dream and she was absolutely correct. she said, ya know, there are only so many days you can live depressed before you do something horrible to yourself and i was like ya know im already there. if my purpose in life at this point is to pay bills and rent and thats about it and no one really cares if im here other than that purpose, why put my emotional and physical health at risk. i decided it was time to be selfish because i was the only one who knew what was best for me at that point. I would rather take flak for moving and do what i know is best for me then to get so depressed i want to kill myself....

i dont have any more time right now but i guess if you have questions or need further explaination then comment or email me. ill write again later about how im doing and updates and why it was a good choice and why im doing well. and if you are friends, then you will trust my decision in whats best for me and stand beside me and if you dont, then maybe you arent the kind of friend i should have.