Go ye to all the world...

Here are some things i was thinking about today in church. It is more directed as if i were saying it up in front of church which i may actually get the opportunity to do after a little more research and refining...

As I was sitting in church today, Fred was ‘interviewing’ Joe who is leaving for England/France tomorrow to go and work with a soccer type mission’s thing for kids. Fred made the comment that we are a ‘sending’ church.

In the time that I have been at Mt. View I have seen many missionaries come and go, some sent by our church, some coming back to give us updates… I have even been sent by our church (last summer before I went on a mission’s trip to London to work with Muslims for 2 weeks). But the comment made me think—hmm, I have seen all these people being sent to different parts of the world that desperately need Christ, but it left me questioning are we being ‘sent’ to Estes—where we live. Are we being prepared, are we taking what we are learning and experiencing outside the church building walls into the community and people around us?

I work in two restaurants, both of which I rub shoulders with non-believers everyday. Some I have talked to about Christ and some I haven’t. One co-worker in particular grew up in a church family and when I ask him to come with me he says he will never go back to church again because he’s been there enough. And IF he were to go back to a church to visit or what not, it would be an African-American church because they are excited about their faith.

Most of those who are unbelieving in Estes won’t go to a church. Either their ideas of ‘church’ and people in the church are horribly misinformed, or they have been let down by believers or they see hypocrisy. The only way we can show those people who Christ is and what he means in our lives and that living the Christian life is exciting (because it should be), is to be bringing Christ to them. And I don’t mean following them around constantly reading scripture at them or telling them everything they are doing is wrong—there will be a time and place for that. They need to see love, they need to see faith, they need to seem humility. They need to see the change in us that only Christ can bring.

I have become convinced over the past couple of months that people don’t need to just go to church. That was my thought process for a long time, get people into church and they will be fine. But even sometimes I find myself going through the motions. So I’ve become convinced that people don’t just need ‘church’ they need Christ—they need His Peace, His Mercy, His Grace, His Love…

We need to take our beliefs and live them everywhere. I’m sure that each of us works in different places in Estes and lives in different places and touches numerous different people.

I think that most people look at Estes Park as mostly Christian. They see a lot of churches: EV Free, Christian church, Baptist, Anglican, Catholic, etc… But did you know that there is a Masonic Lodge (a faith/group that somewhat looks like Christianity to begin with, but as you get deeper in, is more of an ‘every belief gets to God’ and the name ‘Jesus’ is not allowed to be spoken)? Did you know there’s an entire witch’s coven in Estes that meets in the rocky mountain national park? Did you know there’s a church of scientology? Are you praying against these things?

I admit that I am guilty of separating my spiritual life from my work life. I pray that God will change that in me and use me as a vessel for His light to shine. But I also want to challenge you to look out and see Estes as your mission field, right where God has you living and working. There is a sign over the door leaving the church that says ‘You are now entering the mission’s field’ and I’m sure many of you see that every Sunday. I pray that you would consider that and what it really means. Maybe take an hour to walk through downtown Estes and pray, for the residents, for the visitors, against Satan.

Please, be prepared to give an answer for anyone who asks about the hope that you have (scripture reference). And please, consider Estes Park your mission field and the people you run into every day as those who need Christ and ask God to show you how to minister to them.

Tell me your thoughts

So i was told once that no one should ever need to pay a counselor in their life if they have good friends who can be honest and are willing to just sit and listen. What do you think? True/false?

Do you ever stop being the dutiful child, and start being your own grown up person???

There's a lot going on in life right now. But there's one thing more than the rest that i wish i could just sit here and spit out everything i'm thinking but i am blanking.

I guess i could start off with--my mom's in rehab. I've struggled with the thought of writing about this because i didn't want it to be like i was flaunting my dirty laundry or hers...but then i realized that this is my blog--my place to get everything out that has been bothering me or that makes me happy or just jot down whats going on in life. so here i am.

I found out either friday or saturday before work that my mom was in drug rehab for prescription medication. She had been in there since before mother's day and i guess i just got told a week late. Now, my mom has a special place in my heart. I would say my most earnest and most desired prayer the last 3 years has been that she would know Christ--know his love, his grace, and his peace. I've done a lot with the hopes that it would help her know him. My first year at ravencrest, i found out she needed help and came running (driving, 10 hours to kansas to help her put her life back in order). This past january i was upset i didnt get to see her for christmas and decided she needed to know Christ because she was in trouble again and i took 4 or 5 days to drive out and go see her, which was really depressing. After i got back i wrote her a letter with so much honesty and care hoping that if i said the right words she would know Christ. Nothing came from it. In all this time, i have never been able to give her over to Christ. And i've stated before that i am not and cant be her Savior--but i'm realizing that i still try to be. It makes me ask, how much more will i do to try and bring her to Christ?

I got really excited because we had a conversation earlier this week and she talked so much about faith and God and prayer and being clean for 10 days...i failed to look at the fact that she was breaking the rules by calling me. She told me to listen to a song that reminded her of me. It was "In My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride:

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero

I am strong and wise and I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see

She was sent to rescue me

I see who I wanna be

In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal

Darkness turns to light and the world is at peace

This miracle God gave to me gives me strength when I am weak

I find reason to believe

In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger

Oh it puts a smile in my heart

Everything becomes a little clearer

I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough

It's giving more when you feel like giving up

I've seen the light

It's in my daugter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future

A reflection of who I am and what will be

Though she'll grow and someday leave

Maybe raise a family

When I'm gone I hope you see how happy she made me

For I'll be there

In my daughter's eyes

BUT I WAS NOT SENT TO RESCUE HER!!! And maybe i have put myself in a place that has made her think that and i dont want to be in that place. I cant rescue her, i want to be her daughter, not her Mother and not her SAVIOR! There's a reason that Jesus had to come die on the cross for us sinless--because we couldn't do it. I would love to be a person who makes her want to be a better person, but my eyes are being opened to some things and i dont want to be manipulated by her anymore. I dont want to be the one she depends on. I want to live my own life and do my own thing but what is the line between doing that and abandoning your family?

How do you not answer the phone when your mom calls and not return her phone calls? How do you tell your mother to grow up? to not rely on you? How do you tell your mom, everything that i need to tell her?

I dont want to continue in the disfunction that i have been in my entire life. How do i leave that and the past behind and continue in a different direction? What does that look like?

Downs...NO!...Ups...

I love Ruth and Mary's little brother. His name is John and he is adorable! It amazes me how he walks around and innocently loves everyone. Someone said this week that he doesnt ever meet strangers... and its totally true. He doesnt know the meaning of holding back or hating or keeping people at arms length.

Ruth and Pj's families that were visiting this week came in for dinner at the restaurant i work at one night and i had the privilege of serving them. John was so excited that i was there and brought him chicken nuggets. I just cant help loving on people so i was rubbing his face and neck and he just ate it up. He just wouldn't stop hugging me and then he had me bend low and look him in the face and he cupped my face in his hands and said "Ah, you're so cute!" and he kept saying it over and over, partly due to the fact that it kept making everyone laugh, and partly because he meant it. He cant and wont ever know how much i needed that.

The special thing about John is that he has downs-syndrome. But i think that it shouldnt be called Downs, but Ups because he is so joyful and loving and caring. When the bible talks about child-like faith i think of John. He could get hurt and he would never hold it against you because he doesnt know the meaning of it. Maybe God was using him or speaking through him or maybe John was just being innocent and loving. Either way, i loved it!

Thank you Lord for the LOVE shown by that little boy.

Today

Today was such a long day. I had heard horror stories about working at the restaurant on Mother's Day...

However, it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. I woke up this morning with enough time to shower, get ready, get my things together, and call my mom to wish her a happy mother's day. I left my house about a half hour early so that i could stop at the 'bucks on the way to work and bring enough for everyone. It was was appreciated... It seemed like everyone else brought donuts so they were thankful for the coffee. I ended up having a section of 5 tables, 4 that could fit a maximum of 4 people and 1 that could fit a max of 6. My first three tables were a 7, 8, and 9. However, it wasnt very busy, i never felt like i was running my butt off or anything like that which was good. At the end of the day i was exhausted and in pain. 10 hours at 1 job on your feet almost constantly was exhausting. But it also made me no so worried for the summer. I made some good money tonight which was good and will be extremely useful in this time where i need to pay apartment stuff, car buying and car insurance.

I got back up to Ravencrest in time to see this years LTC pray for next years. I cant believe the year is already over...where did it go? I thought they were just getting started. I wish i could have been there tonight and the more they talked about it the more i felt like i missed out on something big. But thats somewhat how i felt all year in certain aspects. They had the ravencrest thing going on, i had been there and done that and it was their time. I did miss out on a lot but then again i didnt. I got to meet some of them and become apart of their lives and them become apart of mine. I got to go on spring break with them and have them over for BBQ's. I realize that i feel that way a lot, like im missing out or that i want to be apart of everything. But, i need to realize too that i have my own stuff going on and more than anything, i dont want to miss out on my own life. Anywho, we got to sit around and remember times and laughter and things that have happened throughout the years. I am proud of them.

On another note, i saw that person tonight. That person that used to be a best friend and has become a stranger. The person that i had so much hatred and bitterness toward that i couldnt keep myself from shaking when i was around them. I have realized recently that the reconciliation needs to happen in my own heart and it doesnt matter about his actions or words as long as i am doing what Christ has commanded me in relationships with other brothers and sisters in Christ. I didnt shake today, i didnt get overly angry, i didnt run away. We had a conversation and it wasnt awkward. God is changing my heart and its amazing to see it manifested in physical ways, like being able to have a conversation. I dont think we will ever be best friends again, but at least God is changing my anger and bitterness.

Thanks be to God.

Oh, shopping for a car tomorrow. Dad flies in early morning and it will be a rough couple of days, hopefully our attitudes can stay in check and we can just have a good time. Please be praying for that as well as decision making about cars.

Thanks.

Love ya.

Clean bill of health

In the past two days i have been to the dr (kinda) 4 times. I finally got up the courage to go yesterday evening for some pain that i had been having in my shoulder, under arm, and chest. I was trying to be brave (even though i fought back tears while on the phone making the appointment). Ruth ended up coming with me because shes wonderful and asked a lot of good questions that i wouldnt have thought to ask.

The doctor asked me a lot of questions about any accidents i had been in and injuries and about the pain. He checked my reflexes in my arms and my right side (which is the problem side) has visibly less reflexes than my left and oddly enough because i carry my trays on the right side, less strength on the right side. Turns out that i have a pinched or injured nerve. My C56 (or c5 and c6 im not sure lol). The kicker is that it was injured during my first year at ravencrest which is roughly i guess 2 years ago when i was in a rear end collision. Turns out those kind of injuries can take at least 18 months to show up. AND my serving has aggrivated it and in the words of my doctor "a whole lot of my muscles are pissed off at me" LOL.

From there (Salud) i got sent to the Estes Park Medical Center to get x-rays except the x ray department was closed for the night (trip 2).

So bright and early this morning at 8 am i went back to the Estes Park Medical Center to get 5 x-rays taken and met some of the nicest people (trip 3).

I left just in time to bring the x-rays back to Salud and have the doctor check them out (trip 4). He told me that the disks are not injured PRAISE GOD and that its just a nerve issue and i am being sent to 3 physical therapy sessions to get taught how to take care of it and build upper body strength to help the issue. So not a big deal, at least to me, compared to what i thought it would be.

So i bet you are asking yourself at this point 'how in the heck is she going to be able to afford all that?'. I thought the same thing. However, (and this warms my heart) there is a clinic in Estes Park called Salud which in spanish basically means 'bless you'. It is a clinic for those who don't have health insurance and dont make enough to be able to afford health insurance. it is a true blessing. So based on how much i make a year, i can go there and only pay a copay of $15 each visit without seeing anything, any bills or anything else. So all in all, my x-rays were covered, my physical therapy will be covered and i ended up paying $30 for 2 doctor visits and im done. God bless these people.

I have decided that if i ever come into any money or get rich or whatever, i am donating to these people and this organization. I would have never made it through my time in estes without them.

Oh, and by the way, we sign our lease today :)

Life

Wow, i really havent updated in awhile. My last blog was in reference to facing an old friend who seems to no longer be a friend. Just walking into the same room shook me up. I know that there needs to be reconciliation and i have asked for it a few times with the only response being 'i agree'. i'm not quite sure what to do with that but i am realizing that maybe the forgiveness will not happen through a meeting but by me choosing to forgive forgive him in my heart--without hashing it out.

That being said, its not the only thing that has made me cry recently. Really, there has been a lot going on. A lot i have wanted to blog about but wasnt able to find the time, words, or energy. It doesnt matter the exact details about what has been going on and making me stressed. A lot of it has solutions by now anyway. The frustrating thing is, everything i have been worrying about, has been strictly physical or monetary. I dont know where my relationship with God went and as much as i probably wouldnt want to admit this outloud--i havent cared about it. But now i do, i dont know what to do to restore my relationship with God or what i have done wrong to build a wall or what lie i have believe to cloud my view of Him but IM TIRED! im so tired of being far away, of doing things myself. I am scared. I am scared that ive fallen far away from Him and i will stay that way. I dont know where He is or where I have gone...but Lord, bring me back!

The interesting thing is, God has solved or provided for all the needs i had and the worries that i had and i still dont feel any closer to Him. Im tired of doing things on my own and not having faith. I was just looking at all my bills and they are OVERWHELMING. Theres no way i can make that much in arizona and i dont know if that means not going forward with certain things, like buying health insurance or getting a car because i wouldnt be able to afford the car insurance, or lowing my cell phone plan. I want to live on faith but not excessive as far as material things go. Lord, help me to have faith, show me which are the wise decisions...

I think something is wrong with me. More so than just the issues ive been having lately. I am by nature a hypechondriac and think the littlest wrong thing could mean a million horrible possibilities. I am afraid to get it checked out because im afraid its bad, then i wouldnt be able to work, i wouldnt be able to pay bills, especially health care. Its so stupid. But today i found myself praying in the car, Lord, if this will bring people to you, then use it. And i do mean it but i am scared.

I need your prayers for all aspects of my life but first and foremost, a renewed relationship with Christ, a desire for Him and His Word. and secondly, health.

Good things are happening too. My dad flies in monday morning to help me buy a car which means not only that i will get to see him for a short amount of time, but also that i will have a car by next week. Also, to update you on Ruth and my's living situation, we sign our lease for our summer apartment on friday afternoon and move in on the 19th. Woohoo! Stacy comes in on friday and will be here for a lil over a week and thats exciting. I wish she could bring Moni with her. And i just found out the other day that Chris got all his support needed for Russia and im SO excited for him!

Anywho, thats all i have for now. Hopefully i will feel compelled again soon to write more.

All i want to do

All i want to do...is crawl into bed under the covers, roll up in a little ball and cry myself to sleep. Its a good thing Pj came over this afternoon to study because if i would have come home by myself, thats exactly what i woulda done and i would have given into the pity party of myself. I have more to say...but later.