It frustrates me really...

I don't know what to do with my frustration today. It seems the world is falling apart and nothing can be done. My little corner of the world, the things that surround me and that i am in contact with on a day to day basis. Maybe i will have the ability to make sense of things by just rambling, because i figure this is my space, my place to clear my head and jot down everything that i'm thinking. When i think back to the reason i started a blog, it was so that i could write down things that i think about on a day to day basis, things that excite me, things that i'm thinking through, etc. And since i've done a lot more writing on a computer the last few years, its easier to type than it is to actually write in a real journal. So, this is my space, and i will use it at will.

It feels like a lot of my blogs say the same thing, and thats ok. As i think through how to even begin to process whats going on in my brain i think of past blogs and past struggles, maybe they were never over with, just ongoing with a different face. I dont want to hear i told you so or i knew your life would be crap or duh! you didnt deserve any better. Why do i feel like i would get that from people who would read my blog? Because if they are reading my blog it should mean that they are friends and friends dont say that to eachother. They might say, oh that was stupid of you but haha its over lets move on. Or friends that are really trusted and open may sharpen you and help be the sand paper that makes you into a better person, but they arent solely sandpiper, they are also the cloth that shines, the buffer and the smoother. That probably doesnt make any sense to anyone but thats ok because this is my blog.

i'm excited about my new move

i'm pissed off about people who storm into your life and leave you once you have gotten used to them
i hate taxes

i hate taking tests for jobs

i hate feeling unprepared

i hate feeling like i dont matter

i hate being ignored
i hate losing friends
i hate being the new girl

i hate feeling lost

i want my mom in a way that shes never been there for me before and probably never will be

i want companionship
i want to make friends

i hate getting lost in the city

i hate not having my bearings

im frustrated that my strut is broken

im frustrated that my insurance is going to go up
im frustrated that it never seems like i can make enough money
im frustrated that i need new jeans and dont have any money to buy them

im frustrated that all my lessons in life over the past year seem to have put me in so much credit card debt

i hate debt

i hate not being wanted
i hate getting drunk
i hate that im not special

i hate that i found someone who was everything i've wanted and they pursued me and then walked away

i hate that i try to stay detached and then once i finally get attached the other person leaves

i hate being 'that friend' who seemingly has all the problems

i hate that my life doesnt reflect Christ

i hate money

i hate being sick

i hate being a girl

i hate having family problems

i hate that i feel like people cant count on me just because of the way life has been

i hate grasping at straws
i hate that my life effects nothing for the better
i hate being tossed aside
i hate boys who play with emotions
i hate boys who cant figure out what they want

i hate boys who even if they did know what they wanted, wouldnt do a darn thing about it

i hate guys who crush girls

i hate verbal abusers
i hate all abusers
i hate boys who tell girls they are fat
i hate boys who tell girls they are beautiful wonderful and special and then leave
i hate boys who cant commit
i hate users

i hate people who give others false hope

i hate hypocrisy
and therefore i hate myself
i hate not having a place in life

i hate when people try to psycho-analyze me

i hate being seen as something im not