Farness

Why is it that everytime i really want to blog, a computer is nowhere near, but when i finally have a chance to sit down and blog, i cant remember what the heck i was going to say or the emotions i was so passionate about in the first place?

I always have a hard time when my parents start to talk to me about christianity and religious thoughts. I have never understood this because i am a christian so it shouldnt bother me. Maybe its because i know past hurts or things that if i were an outsider looking in, there are moments in our past where i could be like THAT IS NOT CHRISTIAN BEHAVIOR. So usually i pretend like i am listening and just keep thinking i know better than them--they dont know me--i went to bible school. This visit home has been especially hard in many areas. One of which is it seems like every other conversation is about something spiritual which i guess is a good thing. Except for, this is probably the lowest ive ever been in my christian walk. I just dont care sometimes and dont know how to get back and feel like a lost cause. So its hard for me to sit there and hear them talk about these things and im just like i have no clue and no i havent been in the word and no i dont feel close to God and NO IM NOT PROUD OF IT! But...i just sit there... but this time instead of being closed... which is my natural response... im praying so hard that God will open my heart. That i can gain understanding and grow closer through these little tid bits. Its hard. everything in me is trying to run the other way. But theres this faint hint of thirst. Like an almost thirst, like the thought of thirst and i want it.... i just dont know how to get there. i know it has to be on my own initiative, sacrificing time and maybe even sleep and maybe fun times with others until i get it right. Putting me aside. i need help bringing myself to that. it is my prayer that God will give me a hunger and a thirst. that he will personally take me on a daily journey with Him and that He will be my mentor. It is my prayer that He will show me the wrongs ive done and why their wrong and how it is fixed and changed.

I looked at my life today and i discovered it was full of worry and sadness and lonliness among other things. And i realize now that my life is full of those things because my life is dependant on outer circumstances rather than on the only thing that can remain constant that im running from. How do i get back to the constant? Where did i go wrong? Do i have far to come back? Do i just need to start over?

Doubts

Where am i? What am i doing here? I guess these have been the questions i have asked myself over and over in the last 50 hours. When did i make this decision and why? Did i do it out of emotions that i no longer have? Am i doing the right thing? Should i stay? What is my heart telling me... or my head? I think that i know this in the long run is best for me but is it really? Is one better than the other or is it just choices? Is there a specific thing that i must do or is it just all left up to me? Can i wait it out another semester? Are there others who are relient on me to actually go through with this? What is best for me? How can i care so much about someone that i havent know for that long? So unsettled... So confused...