Disappear

It's been awhile since I've written... about 5 years. I have been inspired by a friend to start writing again. Reading her blog, i realized she gets those inner emotions out that sometimes you don't really want to have a conversation with someone else about but need to let go of somehow. I realized i just need to tell someone, somewhere, that i want to disappear. I didn't want to call a friend, i didn't want to post to facebook... i just need to put it out there. No arguments, no discussions, no explanations, it's just out there.

Hidden 

so well hidden in this picture

 why can't I be drawn outside these lines? 

Willing 

just to vanish in your shadow 

What would wear away this thin disguise? 

Surrounded by myself I get so tired of me. 

But I know, I know what I need 

Wish I could disappear inside you 

Disappear 

Hidden in the way I was intended to be 

Closer to you and further from me 

I would disappear, I would disappear 

disappear 

 Given, 

I've been given so much freedom 

Grace abounds and I'm the chief abuser 

Living 

in a house that I've constructed 

out of anything that makes me feel 

good and safe and right 

but the Consequence of choices so easily fade 

there's an empty place I'd eagerly trade 

Wish I could disappear inside you 

Disappear 

Hidden in the way I was intended to be 

Closer to you and further from me. 

I would disappear, I would disappear 

disappear

 Pulling focus from myself 

now it's coming clear 

hidden in the way I was intended to be 

closer to you and further from me. 

I would disappear, I would disappear 

disappear, 

Pulling focus from myself 

there's got to be somebody else 

Coming closer getting near I'll disappear 

Pulling focus from myself 

I've got to see somebody else 

Everything is coming clear I'll disappear 

 'Disappear' by Out of the Grey 

It seems these days my heart is fragile and has crumbled into a million pieces. I feel like those that I've held so close for so long, i just want to push them away. I feel like i can't count on them, like i keep making mistakes with them, that in their good intentions, they cause more pain. Can't they see? I've tried so hard to be vulnerable, to open up, to let people know where i am and ask for help but it seems like its backfiring.