Better

Well, i havent written in awhile and i really dont have much to say. I was just looking over some of my most recent posts and they are all pretty negative. That week was really really hard and i dont think i could have gotten through it without the friends that i have and the encouragement they gave. Anywho, i just thought i would update and say that things are better, much better. i'm still getting used to the environment and everything else going on but things are lookin up.

Behind these hazel eyes

seems like just yesterday
you were a part of me
i used to stand so tall
i used to be so strong
your arms around me tight
everything it felt so right
unbreakable like nothing could go wrong
now i can't breathe
no i can't sleep
i'm barely hanging on
here i am
once again
i'm torn into pieces

can't deny it
can't pretend
just thought you were the one
broken up deep inside
but you won't get to see the tears i cry
behind these hazel eyes
i told you everything
opened up and let you in
you made me feel alright for once in my life
now all that's left of me
is what i pretend to be
so together but so broken up inside
cause i can't breathe
no i can't sleep
i'm barely hanging on
swallow me then spit me out
for hating you, i blame myself
just seeing you it kills me now
no i don't cry
on the outside anymore

Kelly Clarkson "Behind these hazel eyes"

...can't....

I dont think i can make myself stay here any longer. I talked to Ruth yesterday, it went fine, but it doesnt change the fact that my heart is breaking. The chunks rise, the tears well up. Is this like detoxing or something seriously telling me to go home? I promised a semester... i dont know if i can see it through.

Nobody Knows

Tony Rich Project "Nobody Knows"

I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more everyday
And I'm dyin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say, the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin' down
I can say it so clearly, but you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody know it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you

I'm tremblin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

I lie awake it's a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah, my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me

How blue can I get, you could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still

The nights are lonely the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me
Yeah, Ohh, uhh, whoa, omom,
Nobody, nobody, but me.....

Tomorrow morning I'm hittin' the dusty road
Gonna find you where ever, ever you might go
And I'm gonna unload my heart
And hope you come back to me

Yeah, sad when the nights are lonely...

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me...

Over my head

I keep coming across all these songs that just define what i have been going through perfectly...except i go look at the lyrics and only a part of it is right on. so instead of just posting parts to a hanful of different songs (which i may do later) here is one that ive listened to over and over recently:

Over My Head (Cable Car) The Fray lyrics

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

WHAT?!

Well, here i sit. Friday morning, the first morning of september. I should be excited. Thinking about finallly emptying my car, taking all my stuff and putting it in a special place. I should be taking a shower and getting ready to go sign some important papers--but i'm not. The apartment complex called me this morning and asked me which day we were planning on moving in. i found this rather odd because we had talked about it a million times but figured since they had just woken me up, i wasnt understanding correctly. Sure enough, they basically said we never gave them a date for moving in and told me they wont have an apartment for us until the middle of september. THE MIDDLE OF SEPTEMBER?! i need an address, i need a place to sleep, a safe haven, a place to get ready in the morning. why is this all the sudden happening now? why didnt they know? the fact is THEY DID KNOW! this is their mistake. its like when you go to a restaurant and you have a reservation and they should have a table for you but the host/hostess screwed up, messed up their wait times and gave your table away, well not even gave it away but just overlooked you or something. so supposedly we wont have an apartment til the 12th or 13th because they get the apartment back today and its a 4 day weekend and then they need to turn 7 apartments. im so angry. i dont even have any more words about this right now. i cant even think straight anymore.