Callings

I was talking to someone tonight about callings--callings on our lives by God. If i remember it correctly, she defined a calling as something God has placed us in to do that only we could do. Not because we simply can fill the job but because we as that specific person are the only one who can fill that job the way it needs to be filled. Not because of a talent, but because of lots of different things. I began to realize that im not living in a calling right now, im living in a job. everything that i am apart of, i know is not my calling, just spots that need to be filled. Its not really a depressive thought, more of a thought that brings up many questions. Makes me wish for the day that i can live out my calling, or i guess even starting with knowing what that is. Is it asking too much? Am i just so blind that i cannot see why God has me here? I often ask myself what my passions are. There are some people who you can look at them and say man, their passion is definitely music or books or missions and i have no clue what mine is. I know there are things i care about so much but at the same time i dont act on them. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and i asked him what mattered to him and then he asked me back... i responded with saying that if there are things that matter to us shouldnt they be things we act on or things that are first and foremost? and then i realized there are certain things that tear my heart apart, but i dont act on them and it makes me wonder why. I wonder if that has anything to do with me feeling like im not living in my calling and dont know what that is. am i so apathetic that i push away the things that are important to me so to not have to put in the effort? But then the thought occured to me that it may be exhausting to care as much as i should or actually do and act on that. but then it made me think that the christian life, lived the way Christ meant shouldnt be exhausting because it shouldnt be all about us, just us letting go and letting the Holy Spirit move and work throught us. I will never have it all figured out.

Oy vay

There are a myriad of emotions right now and I'm not sure where they came from. I think today I'm just weepy. It started in Sunday school. We were talking about grace. Grace and not law and I struggle with this and honestly tend to lean more to the side of the law and I wish I wasn't that way. they talked about other religions and what they are known for and Islam is known by law and Christianity by love. I fail every time. Then I saw a picture of a woman with her head covered and it made me think of my time in London and that’s when I started fighting tears. Coming into the church service, there was no one to sit with so I chose the very end of a pew that had another alone woman on the other end and there were full pews in front and behind. I cant deny the fact that I felt so very lonely. Often I’ve been wondering what am I doing here? what is this all for? why do I work so much, why so much effort in that? it brought me back to earlier this week when something hit me hard. something that seems so ridiculous on the outside but cuts deep on the inside. The only days I can take off for Christmas time are the 24th and 25th, the surrounding are no request off days and the picture of me sitting alone in my little 2 bedroom apartment by myself Christmas day with no one to celebrate with and no one to read the story with and no one to watch open fights and see the joy on their faces and to share a wonderful meal flashes through my mind. Since living on my own away from home, I’ve missed important birthdays, let friendships die that were once so important, sat alone in church, struggled with loneliness, and dreaded future events that will make being an adult so much worse. My thoughts briefly went to the idea that maybe it will be good to spend Christmas just with that one person who it is about. maybe I could go spend the day with the homeless and give them the gifts that I would have given family and friends had I been around them. then I wondered if that would be a selfish act, just to have someone to be around. that thought broadened to my life as a whole. I stayed here to be a part of the youth ministry but was that about me or them? is this where god wanted me or did I just make my own plan and go with it? to minister to people I should love them or have a passion for that, but do I? if I did at one point, I feel like it is lost. do I help just because I don’t want to be alone? why am I here? I want to have a passion for where God has me. to pour my life into that ministry not for me but because GOD put it on my heart not just because it’s the Christian thing to do. I feel like I am crumbling from the inside out. that can be good and bad. I pretend like things don’t bother me but they do. I cant tell if im numb or there is still and peace. I try to believe that im ok with a good friend not keeping in touch after they’ve moved away. I find that im not. so much of me was poured into that friendship and im not ok with letting that friendship go or any other for that matter. there are people, I assume, that don’t keep in touch very well because they think they will never see me again. I’m not okay with that because I want to see that person and continue in that friendship for years to come. its that important to me that I would go to see them but what do I do with that if they don’t feel the same way or are willing to let that go? I want Jesus to be enough, to not be lonely because I know he is with me--it would save me a lot of pain and sorrow. and that is the reality--that he is there but I don’t always see or feel it-- or id rather look elsewhere. I knew at one point--2 year ago--everything about the Pentateuch and knew my bible not for knowledge sake but I felt closer to my God and his people and I wonder where that has gone and I want it back.

Watching dogs shouldn't be rocket science!

I dont think i am cut out to have many pets. I am house sitting this week for a family that i am close with and they have 3 dogs (one of which is only 6 weeks old), 2 birds, 1 cat, 1 rabbit, and many fish. I dont really have pets and i havent really had pets so i dont know much other than they pee outside and need to eat. I was left about a 5 page letter telling me what to do but for some reason it still seems like rocket science.

Thus far, major events have been: day 1--puppy pees on floor (no biggie i can handle it), day 2--puppy wakes me up at like 7 am CRYING... i get up and take dogs out, leave them there for another hour or two of sleep...wake up once again to find puppy poo on the floor (thoroughly grossed out but with a lil tp and spot remover, i can handle it)...during the entire day, the middle dog has really bad gas (eww), later on that night, i put middle dog into girls room to sleep, barks a lot, i think nothing of it and go to bed, day 3--i wake up to no barking dogs (yea!) but go downstairs to let middle dog out and middle dog has diarrhead all over the girls room (digusting im about to puke, decide to clean it up after church) after i get home from church i go to let the dogs out and while carrying the puppy to the pen, it pees all the way down my pants! (disgusted beyond disgust, cant handle!) then i clean up the poo and almost throw up.

So im figuring out more and more that im not cut out for this and i have no clue how im going to handle the next 6 days. Pray for me!

Reading the 'funnies'

I was looking through the paper while i was at work the other day and the only section that seemed to be sitting there were the funnies (i thought that appropriate for working at a restaurant). Anywho, i found a few great ones that just made me laugh. I decided to cut them out and some day i will either put together a scrap book or maybe a picture frame or even just hang them on my wall. But i found this specific one funny and interesting. Heres how it went (words first then i'll describe the picture):

First woman-- "Has it ever occurred to you that the way you dress could be one reason you can't get a date?"

Now the second woman doesnt respond but this is the picture: Two women are walking down a path in a park away from a building. The first woman is wearing a casual dress with a belt holding a purse and the second woman is walking down the path wearing a wedding dress, vail, bouquet, and purse.

I found this hilarious! I dont know how guys think, but i know most of the guys that im friends with want to have their adventures first or are worried about providing or having a secure job so getting married kind of scares them a lil bit. I wonder if a guy knows that a woman wants a deep serious relationship or is totally just looking to get married, if that scares the guys off. That seems to be what this comic is suggesting. I need to ponder it more but i think i agree. Like at the schoold i used to go to, it seemed like all the girls that showed up wanting to start relationship and get their "MRS" degree wound up not dating anyone or having anyone look their way. But the girls that came with other agendas and focused and driven, they are the ones who walked away with long term relationships. To some of my guy friends, being challenging is an incredibly sexy trait. To others, being confident. I think it varies guy to guy but i think at the same time girls can easily scare guys off and i know ive probably been guilty of it more than once.

Ive been the girl before who just wants a guy to take care of her. Someone to love her and hold her. But im at a place right now where mixed gender friendships confuse me and im not sure where i stand on them anymore because i dont want to lead my guy friends on. Im at a place where i dont want anything with anyone really. I mean there is an idea and a standard that has been set but nothing is happening with anyone. It goes back and forth with me. Some days i do really well and im really glad im not in a relationship and that i have no feelings for these guys. But other days i just get sick of being alone.

Im starting to rethink my friendships. I had a close guy friend tell me earlier this summer that its ok to be friends with guys as long as my best friend is a girl and i struggled with that thought because ive had issues with girls in the past and for a long time didnt want to even be around them let alone share my inner most thoughts. Now i think God is changing my heart and i long for and desire close friendships with girls. There is that inner creeping stupid thought of "well if im not close friends with guys then how are they ever going to notice me or how are we ever going to become anything more" and i must say that that is a stupid thought. Where's the trust? If i trust God to bring that special man along and orchestrate that in God's timing then why worry? I cherish so much my friendships with guys and dont want to give them up. If God asked me to, i would have to. But i dont want them to change and i dont want them to go away, i just dont wanna lead anyone on. It always seems like at one point or another in my friendships with the other gender that either i lead someone on without knowing it, or one of them leads me on without knowing it.

So im still trying to figure this out along with a lot of other things. But its strange to me how one lil comic in the newspaper could spur on all of that.

Moving on

I am learning that moving forward doesn't necessarily mean continuing on with school or having some fantastic job. Moving forward means not being stuck in the past. Moving forward means continuing to grow and learn daily and not trying to live off the same lesson you learned some number of months ago and couting on it to keep you going. This shows me once again the importance of spending time with God daily, on a regular basis. If you live off the same lesson, life gets stale. If you try to stay in the same place doing the same thing after that thing has already concluded, then you are living in the past. Its ok to stay in the same place, i've learned. But not ok to hope and pray you can still be part of that one thing in your life that was great at one point but its over and time to move on, not trying to live in the past. For me, that looks like continuing to live my life for Christ in this place but not doing the same thing i was last year. It means being available, but not inserting myself into everything. It means growing and learning and praying and reading, not trying to remember some lesson i learned some time ago.

This summer i have struggle with the thought of spiritual authority. As a young woman, when i lived at home my father was supposed to be the spiritual authority over me and the rest of the house. However, living out on my own, un-married, it baffles me as to whose headship i am supposed to come under. Ive talked about this with a few people but never really got an answer. Part of being out on my own means there is no one "over me", living and telling me what to do. There is no authority telling me when to go to bed or encouraging me to read scripture. So i was trying to find this authority that i could put over my life so i wouldnt have to deal with the stress. Some told me my pastor would be my authority, others said my father still, others said God. The conclusion i came to today is that God is the authority. He is the one i should have been looking to for that spiritual guidance. Why when i am out of my father's house and unmarried should i interject anyone else into that position? This could be a wonderful point in my life of closeness between God and me and growth and learning. Besides, when i can't find an authority other than Christ then that leaves me to be the authority and me running my own life. It just shouldn't work that way.

So from here on out, i want to move forward, i dont want to be stuck in the past and i want God as my spiritual authority, i dont wanna do it on my own anymore or try and put anyone else in the place that God deserves and desires.

What am i doing here?

I want to live a life ablaze for Christ. I know that for me, it is all or nothing and im tired of the nothing. I can admit that i need/want people around who want to live extravagant lives for Christ also. Im in a rut where i feel like im not moving forward and not doing anything that counts. Am im looking at this from the worlds perspective? Is God using me and i dont know it? I feel like sloth. I know that i grow more when others are around, they challenge me and ask me questions and i ask questions of them and we are real with eachother. I feel like i havent been real with anyone in a long time. I feel like im faiiling. This is an ongoing struggle for me, one that i will never overcome. Some days are good and i feel God's presence and know he's there and i hold onto that. Some days however, i lose it. I want to do something that counts. I want to live what i believe whole-heartedly and i want more than anything to hear Him say one day "Well done my good and faithful servant". I feel like if He were to speak to me right now he would say that im disappointing and failing. The thing about that is i dont know how to change. I dont know how to be on fire or how to grow on my own and i feel like im realizing more and more that i cant make that happen in my life, it has to be the moving of the Holy Spirit. Then my question becomes... why doesnt he move then? I realized tonight that maybe i am still living in this town thinking i am apart of this school. I am and always will be, but it has changed. And maybe i stayed in this town cuz i was too afraid to branch out. Maybe I stayed because i thought i was doing good, but i feel lost more now than ever. I want to move away so badly, to go anywhere, to start fresh and move towards something, a goal. One that i know i can reach someday. I didnt realize how tired of this town i was until now.

New Seasons

School started back up today. It seems there is so much going on, so many mixed emotions. It's not that i am back in school (because i finished in may) but that my friends are back. My emotions are mixed and vary widely. Im so excited for them, to see them grow and flourish and learn new things and become the leaders that God wants them to be. I'm excited to see how they will handle situations and what they will think about the homework and to see how they grow and learn as they dig deeper into God's word. Im worried that i will over step my welcome, worried that i will try to involve myself too much. I told someone that once and they told me to get over myself :) . I cant wait to see their group dynamics and how their personalities get along and to see the people they will be at the end of the school year because they wont come out the same. But what is this feeling inside me? Am i worried that i will be left out or be told to 'go home'? While i may not attend this school anymore or live on campus or have to go to the classes, i am still very much apart of it. When you attend this school you are forever 'part of the fam'. But i wonder how far that will go. I have been dying for this school year to start, to have community again and be able to sit and fellowship with believers and they are excited to be back too. They are excited to have me around and its so good. I pray that God will teach me how to watch from the outside. That He will teach me things by me watching these students now. That i will continue to learn and grow even though im not attending this school.