Swings

P.S.-- They took the swings out of the small park near my house and it makes me very disappointed. There's just something about flying through the air on a swing to make you feel better. But, i must say, i do love the chair im sitting in because it is so high up that i can swing my feet and feel like a lil kid again :)

Where my mind has been lately (for the most part)

Ever since I came back from Tucson, i've wanted to find a way to move sooner--like end of May sooner. And i don't want to settle for just moving at the end of august because thats what i've always said. So here are reasons for each:

Positives about moving in May:
-Get to hang out with the Tucson gang sooner
-Won't have to find a place to live in Estes over the summer which would save me a lot of stress and frustration
-Could take over Talli's lease and pay $360/month
-Could find a job before all the college students get back
-Would make me able to start school in the fall verses in the spring
-Terri could help me move

Negatives about moving in May:
-My car has no air conditioning
-I would be doing it by myself (without Ruth)
-I wouldn't be able to save as much money (actually i'd lose about $5000 or so)
-I feel like i would screw over my jobs right before the busy season
-Would end up paying out of state tuition for a year instead of a semester
-Would rush based on feelings and emotions versus prayer and logic

So all in all, it will be a long journey (or only 2 sentences) but worth it to wait until the fall.

I'm getting back in the swing of things as far as work goes. I got so frustrated on tuesday night. We have this special at the italian restaurant i work at where you get unlimited salad, garlic bread, and spagetti for 2 for $9.99. It's become the busiest night of the week, however, you make no money. And when you are already running around like a chicken with your head cut off and making no money and a 10 top walks in thats SERIOUSLY demanding and their bill comes to $53 instead of the norm of $150-200 and you make $12 on it instead of $25-35 its really annoying. I wanted to quit there and then. Do people not realize that their servers are HUMAN BEINGS! Sometimes i get so tired of being treated like crap, like im lower than dirt because im a server, but who else will be out there serving people their dinner when they dont feel like cooking. When was it that being a server became a "low class" job where you need "no talent"? Because i tell ya, it takes a lot and a certain kind of person with a certain kind of personality to get it done. I just wish people would wake up and see the person with specific thoughts and interestes behind the uniform and the apron.

On a different note- i have decided for the time being not to get a new car but to fix the one i have and at least try and make it until i move. I dont really want to take out a loan and have monthly payments and while it may make things tight for the next couple months, fixing it seems like a better option.

And the last note of the day- ive decided how much i will start saving at the end of each day/each pay check and im so excited because i already have $300+ in savings towards Arizona. WOOHOO!

My last two sentences

Wow, this last week was AMAZING! I wish i would have been able to write about it sunday evening or even early on monday when my thoughts were fresh, but this will have to do.

Here's kind of a recap of everything that happened (that i can remember):
Thursday we arrived, got back to the house and saw Matt for a lil while. It was good to meet up again with an 'old' friend.
Friday Stacy took us girls to get pedicures! My first ever. Up until that point i had decided pedicures were way too girly and not worth the money BUT my feet felt awesome afterwards and i almost fell asleep in the massage chair. It is 11 days later and my toes still look just as great as the first day i got them done. After that we went and had a formal tea at the Chantilly tea house. Again something i thought that wouldn't but much fun but it really was. The food was good and i hadn't had hot tea in forever. Patrick's comments about the room and needing Jack was awesome. I think we went to La Encantada (?) after that and just walked around.
Saturday we went to the desert museum. We drove past the place where Pj, Matt, and I watched the sunset last time i was there. Probably my favorite part was the swimming otters (i think or beavers) and the hummingbirds. It was beautiful. It was either friday night or saturday night when a group of us got together and went for dinner at a really great restaurant that i cant remember the name of with Matt, Pj, Elliot, Moni, Ruth, and me and then went and saw V for Vendetta. Great movie, made really well, but it made me want to cry because it was so hopeless.
Sunday we went to church at New Life. I did like it, the music was great and the preacher gave a good message, however it didnt seem like there were many people there my age. If i had to have chosen that day which i would go to for my time in Tucson, i would choose Casas, but i need to look a lot more into both church and their doctrine and visit both more before that decision can really be made. After that we came home and had a barbeque where i met Talli, Luke, and Chris for the first time. Talli was not at all what i expected her to be, but definitely fun. I didnt get to know Luke that well and i couldnt decide if i liked Chris and wanted to be his friend, or if i hated him and he annoyed me LOL (sorry Chris if you are reading this). We all hung out for awhile and later that day Moni, Talli, Chris and me went and saw 16 blocks. Again another good movie. After that we went to the starbucks Matt was working at to hang out and say hello. It ended up being Pj, Luke, Chris, Nyssa, Talli, Moni, Ruth, and me for awhile. We played a few rounds of spoons which was HILARIOUS and had a great talk about marriage and dating. This was the first time when i really felt accepted and not self conscious.
Monday is somewhat of a blur, i dont really remember anything.
Tuesday we got to go apartment hunting. I think we went to about 6 or 7 different places. It was great and i definitely have my favorites. Later that afternoon/evening Pj, Ruth, Matt and me went to see Emery, Anberlin and a few other bands in concert in Phoenix. It was pretty good and i had a great time.
Wednesday Pj and Ruth had their alone day and Stacy was at work so i stayed home most of the day by myself which was totally fine. I need days like those every now and then. Then i went out with Moni, Nyssa, Talli, Chris and 3 of Chris' friends for dinner. It was so much fun and we met this awesome waiter named Justin. He was HILARIOUS and we were the loudest people there. The best part of the night was when us girls were talking about toe hair and Nys couldn't believe i didnt shave my toes and grabs my leg and puts it up on hers and checks em out and realized i didnt have any toe hair and we turned around and the waiter was standing right there giving us the WEIRDEST look. But it was great. After that i think we hung out at starbucks.
Thursday us girls went out shopping. By us girls i mean Moni, Ruth, Stacy, Susan and me. It was great! That evening we went home and didnt really do anything which was disappointing to say the least. I ended up talking to Chris for a lil while and then Matt came over after work.
Friday morning i dont think we really did anything and then went to see She's the Man which i thought was hilarious! Chris called us and we were supposed to meet him there but got there late and couldnt find him when the lights were down so Ruthie, Pj, and i sat by ourselves but could hear chris laughing through the entire movie. We met up with Chris and Nys after the movie and went bowling. Chris and i somewhat had a competition going on which was great because it made me bowl better. I beat him by one point on the first game and he beat me in the second. Nys, Chris, and two of his friends and me when for dinner afterwards and then i headed back to Pj's to hang with Matt and Elliot. We all hung out for awhile and then Chris, Nys, and Talli hung out with us for awhile before we headed to see Inside man which was pretty good too.
Saturday Moni, Matt, Pj, Ruth, and me headed to the street fair and hung out. It was mostly food, art, and music. We had a great time though, hanging out and talking. Moni and i got henna tattoos and everytime i look at mine it makes me think of Moni. After we left i wanted to go see Matt's parents but they were busy so i didnt get to see them this time around. Saturday afternoon everyone was pretty much busy and ruth and pj didnt wanna go out so i called up chris and we went to play pool and ended up getting dinner before meeting up with Moni and Nys to watch Pride and Prejudice. It was so good and i loved it! We went home and matt was there and that was great. Moni was too and Chris ended up showing up later. That night i didnt sleep. Bad idea when travelling.
Sunday early in the morning Stacy took us to the shuttle and began our trip back to Colorado.


All in all, the trip turned out way better than i expected and i loved it. I expected to meet people but i never expected to make long lasting friendships. There are now more people out there who are invovled in my life, who i'd cry over if i never talked to again, and who i'd probably call almost immediately after i found out big news. I cant wait to go back and see those people. I want to hop on a plane and just go. Im trying to find a way to go in May but i know i could make so much money here this summer. It just seems like now, sitting at home doing nothing is such a waste and is so depressing. The best part about the trip was that i was able to be myself, to know who that was and be comfortable being that--to throw out the window all the comments people have made about the bad things about me, because ive finally realized they are good and those people were wrong.

I ended up saying goodbye to Nys like 4 times, i cried while walking through the street market on saturday, fighting back the enevitable of leaving, i almost made a very loud scene in a restaurant, i won pool based on luck not skill, i hung out with girls and enjoyed it, i opened up and allowed someone to open up back, i did girly things, i wanted to burn bras and give up on them, i felt special and loved, i went to starbucks more times in those 10 days than i have in the last couple of months, i almost died in chris' car, i learned to be independant in certain ways while also learning to be dependant in others. I learned that i can be me and thats ok. Arizona is apart of me that will never leave and all i have left of Colorado are these last two sentences that i have to write before i can leave.

An update--finally!

I haven't written in awhile. But i think i am going to try and write a lot more frequently (if my computer will work long enough).

So i am down in Arizona for about 10 days. I go back to colorado in 4 days and last time i left here i cried all the way from the terminal in the Tucson airport till i got to my house in Estes. I think this time will be no different. The trip isn't what i expected it to be and hasnt been action packed and full of events. It has been better. The concerns i had coming down here quickly left once we got here. I've met so many new people and instantly made friends.

I will admit that the first few days i got here were hard, very hard. I can't explain the way i was feeling other than to say very very self conscious and very very down on myself. I was worried because i know that making new friends is difficult. Opening up is difficult--there are still people in colorado that i've told things to but never really opened up to.

It seems like over the past few weeks i've really struggled with all the lies that i believe about myself being right in my face. Not meaning ive realized them and dealt with them, but meaning that they have been more 'in my face' than ever. I doubt who i am and what my interests are. I forget who God is and that really gets to me. I cant be myself because ive lost who that is. I'm never comfortable in any of my clothes because i just itch in my own skin, unsatisfied and unsettled. Those all came out so much more once i got to Tucson and had to 'impress' all new people.

I was reading "Captivating" today. Let me just say that it is an amazing book and i would seriously recommend it to anyone. Everytime i read that book, i cry. Anywho, i was reading it today and it addresses everything i am going through. It somewhat makes it sound easy but at the same time talks a lot about bringing down the wall to do it and i know its true. To do that you need a strong support system. That brings me back to the people i am meeting.

The fun thing is that God knows what i need and how He will give it to me. I was worried about what these people would think and they have totally accepted me by the grace of God. For the first time i am excited about having girl friends, but treading carefully.

Please pray for me in the upcoming months as far as wisdom for the BIG MOVE (money, apartment, job, car, church), peace and growth in my relationship with God, and that my mom would know Christ.