Which way?

I was walking down this dirt road today in search of time for me and God. To reconnect or just talk or just to spend time. It seems when i am in the midst of His creation, i respond to Him the best. i saw mountains off in the distance and decided to walk down this dirt road that wouldnt lead me closer to the mountains i saw but it was in hopes that i would come across a better or more clear picture of the mountains. Im not sure how far or how long i walked down this dirt road but it was surrounded by trees and a few small streams. A beautiful path. I saw the road kept winding with lots of trees.

I had the thought that this was my life, i was on an uphill road and i wasnt sure what i was walking towards but i knew it would be beautiful and amazing. Even though it wasnt what i was looking for, i felt i was in process of finding what i was looking for. I guess the point of my walk was to find out how to get God back in the center of my life instead of keeping him on the back burner. I figured that this was a great picture of my life, however, there was a turn of events.

At one point i decided to turn around. What i saw behind me was glorious, it was a wonderful clear picture of the mountains and blue skies. What i saw was what i was looking for and i had a different thought at that point. Maybe I was walking up this road in hopes id find something better than what i already had and maybe that was my life. Maybe im headed in a direction solely to find the other better thing God has for me when all i have to do is turn around and go where i came from. Maybe im wanting to do it on my own and find my own way when the way God has for me is right there and i just need to turn around and walk back towards him. Maybe i didnt realize i was walking away from him until you see what you were walking away from. There was still a small part of me that wanted to go home and get my car and drive till that road ended to see what was there but i decided not to do that because itd still be looking for better beauty than what God had already shown me.

I had to sit down in the middle of the road and decide if i wanted to keep walking up that road going my own way to find what i wanted to find, or walk back down that road and be in the midst of what i was looking for all along. And the view on the way back was wonderful.

Chasing boys

I've spent most of my youth chasing boys. I think it started in third grade with a boy named Justin Fyfe. He was the cutest boy in my grade and to this day I will never know if he ever liked me because I never had the guts to say anything to him or to any of my friends or else maybe they would have thought I was silly. I just figured he wouldn’t look my way. I liked him for 4 years until I moved away. Silly crush. But that was the beginning of it. I've been chasing boys ever since. Since then, there has been one failed relationship after another.

Some people will say you have to date many to know what you are looking for. Well I think I definitely know what im looking for now and its not in any of those guys that I 'caught'. I must say that I don’t agree that you need to 'date around' to know exactly what you are looking for because the only thing you will accomplish is a broken heart that’s been duct taped back together over and over. I think when you have a wound that’s not properly healed, its easier for infection to get in or for an even nastier scar to be left. I’ve been prone to lots of infection. At this point though, it gives me joy to know, slowly but surely, that My Savior is working to restore my heart to its natural condition. It is a slow process because these things take time. But in this process, I am learning that you can find what you are looking for by watching people. There is a guy that I work with who is amazing. I haven’t dated him and I didn’t have to, to know that he is wonderful. I notice characteristics in him. I keep these characteristics in mind because some day I want the man I marry to have some of those. I didn’t have to give my heart to him to realize that.

I think one of my downfalls is that I want to be loved. Because I have this desire to be loved by another human being, I’ve chased guys. I've come to the realization recently that I want the guy I marry to think I am worth something. One of the best ways I know that he can show that is by pursuing me. In his actions he shows that I am worth it. To be chased, sought after, sacrificed for, whether it by time or space or whatever. A girl wants a prince charming and not only that, she wants to be his princess. A prince fights for his princess and I really honestly think that if a guy doesn’t fight for his princess before they are married, he wont fight for her after. I don’t want to be an 'easy' choice for someone, I want to be the best choice. I want someone who will adore and love me and take care of every need, not just the monetary ones. And I want to be pursued, I want to be shown that I am worth it and I don’t want to have to be the pursuer anymore. Its not my job.

"Now Jacob loved Rachel, so he said, "I will serve you seven years for your younger daughter Rachel." Laban said, "It is better that I give her to you than to give her to another man; stay with me." So Jacob served seven years for Rachel and they seemed to him but a few days because of his love for her. Then Jacob said to Laban, "Give me my wife, for my time is completed, that I may go in to her." Laban gathered all the men of the place and made a feast. Now in the evening he took his daughter Leah, and brought her to him; and Jacob went in to her. Laban also gave his maid Zilpah to his daughter Leah as a maid. So it came about in the morning that, behold, it was Leah! And he said to Laban, "What is this you have done to me? Was it not for Rachel that I served with you? Why then have you deceived me?" But Laban said, "It is not the practice in our place to marry off the younger before the firstborn. "Complete the week of this one, and we will give you the other also for the service which you shall serve with me for another seven years." Jacob did so and completed her week, and he gave him his daughter Rachel as his wife. Laban also gave his maid Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her maid. So Jacob went in to Rachel also, and indeed he loved Rachel more than Leah, and he served with Laban for another seven years." Genesis 29:18-30

Jacob served for 14 years in all for the one he loved. He waited and was patient and the work seemed like only days to him because he knew he was pursuing the woman he loved. Even after he was tricked and deceived he continued pursuing her, he did not give up. I wonder if this is a fairy tale dream I have or something that God has put on my heart for a reason.

"I do"

'I do' are two very small words with very huge meaning. Marriage is a big step in life. You make a vow to be with a person for the rest of your life, in sickness and in health, when times are good and when times are bad. I'm not saying I'm not capable of that.

I've noticed lately that whenever I run into someone I haven't seen in a long time or when I kinda run through with someone else what is going on with everyone we know, it always seems to be about who is in what relationship and who just got married. I was working the other day and someone I went to school with a year and a half ago walked in and we just started catching eachother up on people. But we failed to mention who was seeking after God and which people have graduated college or even which people are following after their dreams. What did we mention? We mentioned marriages and relationships and children. Those are blessed events.

In writing this I am trying to be cautious because it could sound as if I’m down playing marriage and relationships but im not. I was accused last year at one point of hating that stuff but I was misunderstood. When I told people I didn't want to focus on relationships and every topic and every talk I didn't want to be about that, I offended someone. It wasn't because I hate them, its because they get me into trouble honestly. I know I need to work on that and I have been. But at the same time, if someone has a problem with alcohol, you don’t set them at a bar with a shot in front of them, you take them someplace else to hang out, you buy 'em a coke. If I struggled to put relationships before God, shouldn’t that mean that I take a sabbatical from them? That’s what I did this past year, and no im not perfect and yes I have realized some stuff about myself.

The thing that has really caught my attention though, is that a lot of girls make marriage out to be the ultimate goal of their lives. Some will think of having a career or go after dreams but its only for a short time until they find the lucky one. Some people are definitely cut out to be house wives and take care of their husbands and honestly at times I think I am one of them. I would love for my ministry in life to be to love someone and cherish them and help them serve God in the best way I can, that along with serving other people. But if anyone knows me, they know I crave for relationships, people to be deep with, to spend time with and just talk to. But I just don’t get people making marriage the ultimate goal in life. Shouldn’t the ultimate goal, for believers at least, be to serve God with everything in them? Shouldn’t the ultimate goal be to live for Christ? To share him with those who don’t know him and surrender every area of our lives to him? I am guilty. I am guilty of putting marriage on a pedestal and thinking I deserve it. But marriage is a wonderful and special gift and its not the end all ultimate. If I ever get married, I pray and hope that I won’t view it as the end all ultimate but a step that I took to be able to serve God better.

"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church." Ephesians 5:22-29

When I couldn't find God, He found me.

I am not an optimist. I don't think good things about myself and fail to see myself the way God sees me. Therefore, i knew it was God's still small voice. It started with me looking at a boy at church and realizing he was great. It seems God's given me the ability lately to see guys and realize they are great but headed in a different direction or are not for me. It keeps me from being hung up on them that's for sure. But then the thought occured to me that maybe he is too good for me. I thought also about how guys like that don't know they are great and usually end up with a girl who doesn't think she deserves him but he ends up feeling that he doesn't deserve her and that she is too good for him. This made me think of Jesus. He is pefect and wonderful. I don't deserve his love abundantly. Do i allow it or fight against it?

As I sit here, there are many thoughts going through my head. Thoughts of events and conversations that have taken place over the last couple of days. I want to summarize but i know i need to write down what i feel God is telling me first, lest i forget. I am Christ's. Do i recognize that i truly am the princess that i am? i think of the verses about how i am fearfully and wondefully made and question if he made me that way, then i've screwed up or if i fail to recognize that he still sees me in that light? God did not make a mistake in making me. He knew i'd be emotional and he iwll use that for his glory. I believe he knew my desires, my faults and my passions before i was born. He made me the way he did for a certain purpose and for his glory. Every time i put down myself of complain about the way i was made, is that me lying? Is that me not trusting? Is that me bashing God? I remember in 2 Kings 19:14 where Hezekiah takes the worrysome letter he was given and lays it out before the Lord. I want to take the hurts i have and the un-truths i believe about myself and others and lay them out before God. Because really, it is God's problem, right? Isn't he my defender and protector? My rescuer? And when someone throws something my way, why do i take it to heart more than God's truths about me? Over the past weeks and maybe even months i have struggled and hurt and been closed off. I've allowed the words and actions of others to dictate my life and my attitude. I think this is wrong. God doesn't want me to live in bondage of other people and their words, even if they are other believers with the right motive but very wrong actions and words that lack love. Something is changing and i am catching glimpses of God.