Anonymous

I have appreciated your comments. A little misunderstood at first (hehe) but they are welcome. You are absolutely right, i do need to come to a place where i understand and trust what God thinks of me, a place where i have a grasp of his opinion of me. What you dont understand is that there is so much confusion, so much to work through, so much refining. Its a process and some days i get it and some days i dont. Its ok for me to feel lost in reference to who i am or how im seen, its part of the process. Its ok for me to feel hurt and lonely because if i didnt feel those things i wouldnt recognize when i felt accepted and loved and full in God's presence. The main point that i was trying to make in those blogs, the 'what hurts the most' blog in particular was the fact that when people tear you down or say hurtful things or do hurtful things to you that screams negative comments to you, it takes awhile to recover, to believe again. I am in that process, i have been told so many times by so many different people in so many different ways that i am worthless, not good enough or unwanted. Sometimes by people who wanted me to feel that way and sometimes by people who had no clue they were doing it. Today was another one of those days that i sobbed the entire drive home from work. Its not because i hate my job, its not because i hate denver or where i live, i love all those things, it just seems like tears are constantly under the surface. I feel like i am in mourning some days, mourning the loss of myself, the loss of purpose, the loss of drive. If it were up to me, i would stay in bed all day, never shower and never change my clothes because it seems there is no purpose to that. But i have to remind myself that every day is new and maybe it will be better than the last. Im not depressed im just figuring things out. While i was at work tonight i just kept thinking that all i want is the freedom to be me, the freedom to know who i am and live that out. Now i realize that i do have that freedom, i just dont know how to exercise it. All i wanted to do was to be alone on top of a mountain, blue skies, arms outstretched, praising God. You dont know, no one knows, the things i carry. The things that upset me, the things i think about myself, the things that i feel others see in me. I never thought i was someone that held really high standards for themself; i never strived for the absolute highest grades, i never wanted to be the best at a particular sport or talent, i never had to be the most fashionable, i just always wanted to be me and go with the flow and enjoy life. But i realize now that the standards i held for myself were in my spiritual life and once i failed to meet those standards, i dont quite know (other than all the churchy answers) how to meet them again. I was listening to a Jennifer Knapp song in the car driving home and a line of the song said "she has the strength to stand in his love" and i dont. I dont have the strength to do anything, let alone stand boldly before the Almighty. I dont deserve to, mostly i want to sit in a dark corner and have him crouch down beside me, rub my back and gently and slowly coax me from my darkness. And thats not something anyone can hurry along or that i can just pretend isnt happening.

I guess what i'm saying is, how do you know who you are and how God sees you and hold to that conviction when you feel like you are standing all alone with everyone and everything surrounding you hurling insults as jagged and sharp as a double edged sword? Because i cant do it, and i dont want to hear 'God will do it through you' or 'youre not alone God is standing with you' because i know all those things and i believe all those things but you also need tangible, you need your brothers and sisters in Christ standing on the battle lines with you, or else, im fighting this battle on my own. And i hope this is not insulting but it does more harm than good when someone who is it the midst of everything they've always wanted for their life, everything is happy, everything is the way that person always dreamed of is going on and they look at me and say have hope it will get better, because it feels like their perfection is being rubbed in my face rather than someone coming alongside, and right now, i dont need to be looked down upon. Not saying that 'anonymous' is doing that but, just try to be careful with words, cuz words hurt more than being kicked in the stomache.