Oh... also, recent events.

Things that i have forgotten to mention that most of you probably know anyway...


May 16th-- I bought a new (used) car. It is a 99 Nissan Altima and it runs great. Around 95,000 miles. Gold, has great AC, cd player, sunroof, the works. the only thing bad about it is the leather seats which i am trying to get covers for shortly! Exciting!

June 5th (Maybe, Ruth would know for sure)-- Ruth and i had a night of fun in Fort Collins and i got a tattoo...(i'll get a picture on here soon) it is the word hope, in hebrew, the original language of the old testament. Coming from the verse psalm 43:5 "Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again – my Savior and my God!" I thought it was very appropriate for where i have been in life.

Mom Situation-- I have been praying for my mom for a long time--that she would know Christ. She has gotten out of rehab since my last blog about her situation and i talked to her on the phone yesterday about her rehab and where shes at in life and she seems to be doing alright, time will tell. She also told me that i will be happy to know that she asked God into her life through rehab. PRAISE THE LORD! I dont know why i am not more excited i guess i am just waiting to see what life will bring about and if its a temporary change for her or a permanent one. Pray for her... please.

Blessed

Well, i am sitting here, outside, where i have been sitting for about the past hour and a half. And i am finally realizing how blessed i am. I am sitting outside Kind Coffee, drinking a raspberry cream soda, and surfing the net, in the not so gorgeous day but still wonderful outdoors.

Yes, the sky is overcast but the sun is trying to peak through and there are blue spots in the sky. It finally got past 70 degrees today so i am able to sit out in a tank top and jeans with the slightly cool breeze twirling about my loose strands of hair and keeping things cool. The birds are almost just walking up to my table out here, looking at me as if they were to ask, 'hey, hows the day, whatcha doing?'.

I forget that i am blessed. Blessed to be in a community where i know so many people, a small but mostly safe community. Yes, it is true, i cannot go to the grocery store without seeing at least 1 other person i know, but at the same time, when i want to go out with friends at night, there end up being so many more people that i do know because it is such a small community and makes me feel so much safer. I forget that i am surrounded by a beautiful mountain range, a very quaint little river (behind me at the moment) and a beautiful lake that is not big city, but great enough that i could be lost on it for a day in pure relaxation. I may not have food in my house, but i work at two restaurants that feed me plenty.

I am realizing how truly blessed i am and am so thankful that today i have been able to just relax and get stuff done that i havent been able to and take things slow. I didnt even dry or curl my hair, i just threw it up because i didnt care who i was going to see and if i would impress them or not.

I thank God that he is opening my eyes to what Estes Park really holds, but at the same time i am saddened that it is only happening when i have such a short time left here. I guess that is my fault, because i have been closed to this place for so long. To think that only 3 months ago i was writting blogs about wanting to move RIGHT THEN and not being able to wait.... Now i am writing blogs about being torn between two places. The friends i've made, the connections that have come about, the fun that i have had. I know that all that and more will be waiting for me in Tucson and that ultimately it would be a very bad move for me to stay here, relationally and spiritually especially.



THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BLOG BUT OH MY GOSH I JUST SAW A FAMILY RIDE PAST ME.... NOT WALKING DOWN THE STREETS OF ESTES, BUT EACH ON THEIR OWN SEGWAY!!!!!!!! How awful is that! lol. Definitely made me chuckle though!

An answered prayer :)

I have so much to say and not much time to say it in. Terri and i are getting ready to leave for work. (I am finding that im having a hard time typing, maybe different computer, maybe im just doped up on too much cold medicine--hehe). Anywho, i guess the first and most important thing that is on my mind is an answered prayer. Through talks with people about me moving to Tucson and reasonings and what not, people were afraid i would be running away from problems or unfinished things, so i have asked God to make my heart OK with Estes before i leave it and that i wouldnt be running away. It was one of those prayers that i didnt realize the outcome but that God has answered, which is pretty cool. Why does it seem like now when i have decided to move that i start having a lot of fun and making great friends? That is an answer to prayer. The way my heart has changed towards this place and these people is amazing, but i still know i need to move and still long to move but now will actually be sad about leaving. The consequence of praying such a prayer is that now im connected and now there is a connection that will have to be broken.

I will come running...its just who i am.

Last night...was a doozy of a night. I'm debating how much to say but i'm just so frustrated and hurt.

Last night my brother called me at about 9:45 and asked right off, "Has Sonia called you?". Now, whenever my brother calls me and asks me that question, something is going on with my little sister that is not good at all. It's the--Sonia has called him and asked him for help or told him something she did and he figures i should be the next to know and fix it--call. I still havent figured out why he comes to me with that stuff and she doesnt. I havent figured out why anyone comes to me with the crap of their lives. But for some odd reason i am always ready to help, always ready to do whatever i can and make them feel better no matter the cost.

So the first story that i heard was that while my mom being in rehab for the last month has left my sister with my step dad (which i knew about, but they dont get along and both have bad tempers and he has molested her in the past and is a drinker--i dont approve). But anywho, the story that i heard was that she ran away because they were verbally fighting and then she came home and he hit her, like hit her hit her, and she locked herself in the bathroom and he proceeded to break all the glass in the front door and try to punch a hole in the bathroom door to get to her. So big sister mode kicks in and i dont care who says what but when someone tells me my 14 yr old sister is getting physically abused i run. I will not let her be put through what i was when i was younger. Shes already been through too much.

Anywho, through the course of the evening, i believe my brother and i decided to call the cops and get someone over there because the soonest either of us could get there would be 10 hours. he called the cops, i called a friend so i would have someone to drive with that night and face my step dad with. Jeremy finds a way to go and starts brewing coffee. Adam and i try to put more pieces of the puzzle together to find out exactly what happened before one of us leaves. I try to find the number for Sonia's dad in wisconsin to get legal permission to pick her up and Adam calls our grandma to see if she will pick her up because she is only 3 hours away and my grandma replies with "well, she deserves whatever happens". In the mean time my mom keeps calling from rehab which she isnt supposed to do but i figure 'screw it' because this needs to be resolved. My mom seems to be sticking up for my step dad and telling me none of that happened, but she wasnt their either. Friends come over to support me. My mom gets pissed that we call the cops because shes afraid Sonia will go to jail or be put in a foster home, which i figure is better for her at that point than staying with a man more than twice her size and age who is not in a good state. Mom hangs up on me. Cops show up, they find no broken glass or holes in walls or doors. Sonia and step dad are put in hand cuffs. All in all, the police say that it was good they were called and that they needed to be there but that she doesnt need to be removed from the home but can stay the night at a friends house if she gets permission. Sonia calls me and tells me that she is supposed to stay at a friends house and a family member needs to come get her, adam calls in the middle of the conversation and tells me thats not true. Terri calls back i have to fill her in. Sonia calls back and i have to tell her that i wont come and get her--which is one of the hardest things ive had to explain to her especially after she started crying. But then she like regains her composure and decides everythings ok and what not and gets off the phone from her and no one has heard from her since. My mom calls, we hash it out again and go over details. Shari calls and finally responds to a voice mail, and tells me i am supported and she will help in any way. The night ends there.

All in all, i dont really know what happened, if my sister was just acting out or if something was really wrong. i dont know if shes ok now and her phone is just dead or if shes ignoring everyone like im trying to at this point or if something has happened to her. I'm so frustrated that people, not just people, my family, takes advantage of me the way they do. most of what i was told last night was a lie and what it did to me, and the people i brought in to help, is not ok. The cat got let out of the bag about my mom to a lot of people that i didnt wanna share it with cuz im the strong one, but i think all in all now they dont see me as that little innocent christian girl who has it all together and thats ok. But im just so broken. I hate my family right now, i hate what they do to me, i hate my past, i hate how i get caught up in these things and i hate that they look to me for a lot of things. But the thing is, i will be ready to run everytime my sis tells me she is getting abused. I do think a lot of bad happened last night. A lot of things were said to her that will stick with her forever and damage her forever, because there are still a lot of things that stick with me and damage me daily. I want to find a way to get her out of that situation and into a better home but i also need to remember that i am an almost 21 year old kid. Im not a mother, and im not God. How do i live my life and be strong for me and just take care of me when there are obvious wrong things going on here?

I hate that they have put me in this place, and i hate that i've allowed myself to be put in this place. will this ever end? Will me and my whole family just be psycho paths until we die or will we ever overcome? Will we ever be able to be a 'normal' family? One that loves eachother and doesnt have this kind of emergency every week?

Welcome to my life.

Lord, comfort your child... for she is hurting

So much has been going on lately and also so little. I'm tired of my posts seeming really down cast or only posting when im angry or frustrated or depressed. Heck, im tired of feeling that way all the time. I'm ready to stop feeling like crap, tired all the time, upset, waiting for something better, turning to everything else other than the thing i should turn to--have i forgotten?

I dont know how to look up from here, i dont know how to be fixed or to have the courage to take a step out and be honest enough to get help. I posted a few days ago asking for opinions on counseling because someone told me the other day that i should get counseling and it kind of hit me pretty hard right between the eyes. I had all these different emotions and reactions, but in my heart knew she was right. And now, after reading resonses and thinking about it more and more, i cant wait to maybe be able to start that. Why if you have an illness would you not want to go to the doctor and get fixed? I hate being looked at and told things about myself that arent great because most of the time i feel like, well ok, now that i know, what do i do?

I dont want to be this screwed up, i dont want to follow in the footsteps of my family, I want to cling to Christ but i've forgotten how. I want to find joy in my day no matter what but i've forgotten how. I want to fight to further Christ's kingdom, but i've forgotten how. How is it Lord that i come back to you? Please lead the way. I'm so tired of complacency and boredom and non relation and hiding. Who am i? Who have you made me to be?

I was listening to the song the other day that probably isnt called this but i'll refer to it as the "Dare you to move" song. I know the song is daring believers to move (at least i think so) and not just sit in the same place, but i find my self daring God to move. That may be very bold... but i Dare you to move Lord, change me...and i dare myself to allow the change.