Anonymous

I have appreciated your comments. A little misunderstood at first (hehe) but they are welcome. You are absolutely right, i do need to come to a place where i understand and trust what God thinks of me, a place where i have a grasp of his opinion of me. What you dont understand is that there is so much confusion, so much to work through, so much refining. Its a process and some days i get it and some days i dont. Its ok for me to feel lost in reference to who i am or how im seen, its part of the process. Its ok for me to feel hurt and lonely because if i didnt feel those things i wouldnt recognize when i felt accepted and loved and full in God's presence. The main point that i was trying to make in those blogs, the 'what hurts the most' blog in particular was the fact that when people tear you down or say hurtful things or do hurtful things to you that screams negative comments to you, it takes awhile to recover, to believe again. I am in that process, i have been told so many times by so many different people in so many different ways that i am worthless, not good enough or unwanted. Sometimes by people who wanted me to feel that way and sometimes by people who had no clue they were doing it. Today was another one of those days that i sobbed the entire drive home from work. Its not because i hate my job, its not because i hate denver or where i live, i love all those things, it just seems like tears are constantly under the surface. I feel like i am in mourning some days, mourning the loss of myself, the loss of purpose, the loss of drive. If it were up to me, i would stay in bed all day, never shower and never change my clothes because it seems there is no purpose to that. But i have to remind myself that every day is new and maybe it will be better than the last. Im not depressed im just figuring things out. While i was at work tonight i just kept thinking that all i want is the freedom to be me, the freedom to know who i am and live that out. Now i realize that i do have that freedom, i just dont know how to exercise it. All i wanted to do was to be alone on top of a mountain, blue skies, arms outstretched, praising God. You dont know, no one knows, the things i carry. The things that upset me, the things i think about myself, the things that i feel others see in me. I never thought i was someone that held really high standards for themself; i never strived for the absolute highest grades, i never wanted to be the best at a particular sport or talent, i never had to be the most fashionable, i just always wanted to be me and go with the flow and enjoy life. But i realize now that the standards i held for myself were in my spiritual life and once i failed to meet those standards, i dont quite know (other than all the churchy answers) how to meet them again. I was listening to a Jennifer Knapp song in the car driving home and a line of the song said "she has the strength to stand in his love" and i dont. I dont have the strength to do anything, let alone stand boldly before the Almighty. I dont deserve to, mostly i want to sit in a dark corner and have him crouch down beside me, rub my back and gently and slowly coax me from my darkness. And thats not something anyone can hurry along or that i can just pretend isnt happening.

I guess what i'm saying is, how do you know who you are and how God sees you and hold to that conviction when you feel like you are standing all alone with everyone and everything surrounding you hurling insults as jagged and sharp as a double edged sword? Because i cant do it, and i dont want to hear 'God will do it through you' or 'youre not alone God is standing with you' because i know all those things and i believe all those things but you also need tangible, you need your brothers and sisters in Christ standing on the battle lines with you, or else, im fighting this battle on my own. And i hope this is not insulting but it does more harm than good when someone who is it the midst of everything they've always wanted for their life, everything is happy, everything is the way that person always dreamed of is going on and they look at me and say have hope it will get better, because it feels like their perfection is being rubbed in my face rather than someone coming alongside, and right now, i dont need to be looked down upon. Not saying that 'anonymous' is doing that but, just try to be careful with words, cuz words hurt more than being kicked in the stomache.

What a day

I understand how you feel. It feels like every decision i've made has backfired or put me in a worse situation than i was already in. I am very happy in denver but it seems like i can never make any money or pay off my bills. Today was so frustrating and i can't figure out where it started. I dont want to move back in with my parents, to live off of them again, i would go insane. I had a job interview yesterday to be the secretary at a small church that is just starting out. It didnt seem like a right fit but i really need the money. I was going to do the best thing and deny the job if they offered it. They called me back today and explained that they didnt think i would be available enough with a second job and i was totally on the same page. However, it still gave me the feeling of being hopeless, never being able to make any money, and in this downward spiral. I went to work and wanted a busy night and people to joke around with and have fun with. I got triple sat right away and was busy most of the night but everything was off, my tickets either got lost or took too long, or id say or do the wrong things to my tables. It seemed like i didnt have anyone to talk to or joke around with because im new. I get so upset sometimes, i want to be more than this, i want to have a future and i want to be able to pay off all my bills, whatever that takes. Well, i say whatever that takes but i wouldnt head home to wisconsin or oklahoma to save money. How will i get out of this rut? What can i do to make my life work? I am thinking about selling my car and that way i wouldnt have a car payment or car insurance and eliminate about $7000 of my debt. I cried all the way home from work tonight. I dont know if its because i miss myself, which i dont think it would be because theres been so much healing and i feel a lot more like myself lately. Or maybe i feel like my life is a disappointment, or maybe its cuz i dont have any of the answers. The truth is, i miss you. I miss having that connection with you. I miss talking to you about everything, i miss having you reassure me about life and who i am. I miss talking to you about your life and everything youve experienced over the last couple of years. I dont know what to do with that, whether to hold on or try to forget. No matter how hard i do try to forget, you are still in the front of my mind and i still long to share my life with you.

What hurts the most

Friday was a hard day for me. I'm not sure how it started or where it came from but i cried most of that day. I felt so self conscious and so.... alone i guess. It was good too, though. I drove up to estes to run some errands and see some friends and i just ended up crying the entire drive. I kept hearing all these songs on the radio that reminded me of people or hit certain emotional nerves. The cry was good, it needed to happen and im thankful to have a friend like Christa to sit down with at the end of the day to just process, cry some more, and get reassured of who i am even if i cant see it.

I think i figured out what hurts the most out of this whole situation. I feel like i am beating a dead horse but sometimes thats what you have to do to process things fully. When he started pursuing me last summer, i asked why he liked me and he would say of course that i was bonita and all that good stuff but also a big part of it was that i was different and he liked that a lot. Now, he decieved me in a huge way so im not sure if anything he ever said was true. I still really think that he meant a lot of the stuff he said and was genuine but had a secret life on top of it. Stupid rationalization i know but i dont care. After he left me, well more or less cheated on me, i was left wondering was i still different, am i still beautiful, what did i do wrong, whats wrong with me, am i no longer unique. I spent 5 months asking myself those questions and some days were good and some days were really bad. It was close to the hardest thing ive ever had to face in my life, it wasnt about other people, it was about me. If he loved me as much as he said he did, if he thought i was the world to him, if i was as special and important to this person as he said i was, how could he just forget about me and go on or go back to someone else? Most days i was left by myself to answer those questions, believing that my friends didnt want to hear anymore about it, believing that they thought i should just get over it, so i held it in as much as possible.

However, one day, this man came along, re-entered my life and all those questions were answered. He saw in me that i was different unique and special. Not only that but he was the type of person ive always wanted in my life. He knew how to treat me and take care of me and i knew mostly how to do that for him. I didnt feel worthless and useless and ugly and neglected anymore. It was the best feeling in the world, to not only have someone i was attracted to but someone to share common interests and goals, to have someone as a best friend as well.

So the thing that hurts the most aside from the fact that i lost an amazing friend and person that was in my life, is that im left asking all those questions again, doubting who i am and looking at myself as if im a dented, used, store brand can of anything that no one wants. Im leftovers, im unwanted, im the same as everyone else. Christa assures me that is not true and that i shine bright and that i am unique not because of actions or choices but because of who i am in my heart and how i love people, the things that are special to me alone. Its a struggle that i face, but its probably good for both of us. We spent 4 years apart and changed so much in that time, maybe we still arent ready for eachother, or maybe we arent meant to be, only time will tell.

But i still think of you often as well and pray for you and miss you a ton, more than you could ever know or realize.

"What Hurts The Most"

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

It frustrates me really...

I don't know what to do with my frustration today. It seems the world is falling apart and nothing can be done. My little corner of the world, the things that surround me and that i am in contact with on a day to day basis. Maybe i will have the ability to make sense of things by just rambling, because i figure this is my space, my place to clear my head and jot down everything that i'm thinking. When i think back to the reason i started a blog, it was so that i could write down things that i think about on a day to day basis, things that excite me, things that i'm thinking through, etc. And since i've done a lot more writing on a computer the last few years, its easier to type than it is to actually write in a real journal. So, this is my space, and i will use it at will.

It feels like a lot of my blogs say the same thing, and thats ok. As i think through how to even begin to process whats going on in my brain i think of past blogs and past struggles, maybe they were never over with, just ongoing with a different face. I dont want to hear i told you so or i knew your life would be crap or duh! you didnt deserve any better. Why do i feel like i would get that from people who would read my blog? Because if they are reading my blog it should mean that they are friends and friends dont say that to eachother. They might say, oh that was stupid of you but haha its over lets move on. Or friends that are really trusted and open may sharpen you and help be the sand paper that makes you into a better person, but they arent solely sandpiper, they are also the cloth that shines, the buffer and the smoother. That probably doesnt make any sense to anyone but thats ok because this is my blog.

i'm excited about my new move

i'm pissed off about people who storm into your life and leave you once you have gotten used to them
i hate taxes

i hate taking tests for jobs

i hate feeling unprepared

i hate feeling like i dont matter

i hate being ignored
i hate losing friends
i hate being the new girl

i hate feeling lost

i want my mom in a way that shes never been there for me before and probably never will be

i want companionship
i want to make friends

i hate getting lost in the city

i hate not having my bearings

im frustrated that my strut is broken

im frustrated that my insurance is going to go up
im frustrated that it never seems like i can make enough money
im frustrated that i need new jeans and dont have any money to buy them

im frustrated that all my lessons in life over the past year seem to have put me in so much credit card debt

i hate debt

i hate not being wanted
i hate getting drunk
i hate that im not special

i hate that i found someone who was everything i've wanted and they pursued me and then walked away

i hate that i try to stay detached and then once i finally get attached the other person leaves

i hate being 'that friend' who seemingly has all the problems

i hate that my life doesnt reflect Christ

i hate money

i hate being sick

i hate being a girl

i hate having family problems

i hate that i feel like people cant count on me just because of the way life has been

i hate grasping at straws
i hate that my life effects nothing for the better
i hate being tossed aside
i hate boys who play with emotions
i hate boys who cant figure out what they want

i hate boys who even if they did know what they wanted, wouldnt do a darn thing about it

i hate guys who crush girls

i hate verbal abusers
i hate all abusers
i hate boys who tell girls they are fat
i hate boys who tell girls they are beautiful wonderful and special and then leave
i hate boys who cant commit
i hate users

i hate people who give others false hope

i hate hypocrisy
and therefore i hate myself
i hate not having a place in life

i hate when people try to psycho-analyze me

i hate being seen as something im not

Processing

It's been awhile... a long while. I can probably think of tons of reasons why i haven't blogged: i haven't had my own computer to do it at my own leisure, by the time i sit down to write i forget what i was passionate enough about to actually write it down, there are people who may or may not read this that i don't necessarily want to know all the gory details of my life/heart, I'm lazy...

Usually when i write it is because something has outraged me so much that i have to put it on paper (or type it) immediately to take out my frustration. Sometimes i write because I'm processing through something that i can only work out between me and God and its easier to write it down than to mull over the same things constantly. Other times its because I've finally figured something out that has plagued me and i want to write down the solution or put it in a place where the person i want to give the message to inadvertently (because there's no other way) reads it. Or sometimes i don't even feel like writing but the time presents itself and its been so long that everything is so jumbled and i just hope it works itself out in print. That's what this entry is. So bear with me as i bear with myself, this is going to be all over the place.

Why is it that whenever you say 'Here's my heart, please don't break it' that's when it gets smashed the most? Even if you don't say it out loud, but just in action or time spent together. But even more so when you do say it out loud, there's almost a silent contract of letting someone know how vulnerable you are and that they are holding something special, breakable, frail in some cases, and that they should be very careful. I have yet to meet a man who has known that and consistently been extra careful. Granted, guys and girls speak very different languages and there is always hurt involved in relationships/friendships/anything where your heart is involved. And how can your heart not be involved, if it wasn't, even to the smallest extent, then you would never share anything personal about yourself and never take in anything the other person had to say, you would be a complete brick wall. I want so much to give my heart away, to give it to someone who will care for it and cherish it and be careful with it and help pick up the pieces when he chips away at it, because it will happen. I want to share my life with that special person who is going to be there forever, to laugh with, cry with, play with, work alongside, etc. But it seems like my past experiences have taught me that when i open myself to someone who could quite possibly smash my heart to pieces and walk away, no matter how much i think they wont, they always do. I'm not bitter, I'm processing. The bible talks about guarding your hearts but what does that mean in light of love everyone. I don't think you can give love without receiving love or without opening yourself up. I don't want to be that girl that has been left, forgotten, walked away from, ditched, stomped on, or deceived anymore. But i don't know how to not be. Is it a reflection on me or the guys who have been in my life? Is it that I'm too anxious for something God will bring in his own time? I don't know, perhaps i never will. But i don't want to be that single friend either that everyone constantly tries to set up. I'm not asking for a husband, I'm just asking for my heart to not be broken anymore. I didn't think i would recover over the last one, especially because of events happening in the past 7 months. And I'm not recovered yet, but i am recovering. I don't know the future, i don't know what God has for me and if hes still preparing me or preparing that man or both of us. I am more solid right now than i have been and have friends who in all of their own ways wont just let me sit in a corner by myself and cry. They are the crutches that i am standing on, the only means i have to keep walking. On one hand, he was the guy that i have dreamt about, the guy that i knew would be perfect for my heart and take care of me and love me and lead me and encourage me. But on the other hand, maybe it is over, maybe this is God's way of saying 'Not this one' and in that i take comfort. In the fact that God knows me intricately and knows what i need and desire and he wants to fill that, he knows what would be the perfect fit and i have to trust in that. To know that if he isn't/wasn't the guy that i need to keep moving forward and not spend anymore time on clinging hard to the past, but continuing to trust God and move forward. However that is the hard part, it is beyond my understanding and comprehension and i will always wonder what if. I don't want to walk away or give up or let go because he may be the one. That sounds so stupid. I just want to do whatever God wants me to do next. I want to trust him and put my feet where he tells me and be driven by his will and not my own.

I guess i had more to say than i thought.