Processing

It's been awhile... a long while. I can probably think of tons of reasons why i haven't blogged: i haven't had my own computer to do it at my own leisure, by the time i sit down to write i forget what i was passionate enough about to actually write it down, there are people who may or may not read this that i don't necessarily want to know all the gory details of my life/heart, I'm lazy...

Usually when i write it is because something has outraged me so much that i have to put it on paper (or type it) immediately to take out my frustration. Sometimes i write because I'm processing through something that i can only work out between me and God and its easier to write it down than to mull over the same things constantly. Other times its because I've finally figured something out that has plagued me and i want to write down the solution or put it in a place where the person i want to give the message to inadvertently (because there's no other way) reads it. Or sometimes i don't even feel like writing but the time presents itself and its been so long that everything is so jumbled and i just hope it works itself out in print. That's what this entry is. So bear with me as i bear with myself, this is going to be all over the place.

Why is it that whenever you say 'Here's my heart, please don't break it' that's when it gets smashed the most? Even if you don't say it out loud, but just in action or time spent together. But even more so when you do say it out loud, there's almost a silent contract of letting someone know how vulnerable you are and that they are holding something special, breakable, frail in some cases, and that they should be very careful. I have yet to meet a man who has known that and consistently been extra careful. Granted, guys and girls speak very different languages and there is always hurt involved in relationships/friendships/anything where your heart is involved. And how can your heart not be involved, if it wasn't, even to the smallest extent, then you would never share anything personal about yourself and never take in anything the other person had to say, you would be a complete brick wall. I want so much to give my heart away, to give it to someone who will care for it and cherish it and be careful with it and help pick up the pieces when he chips away at it, because it will happen. I want to share my life with that special person who is going to be there forever, to laugh with, cry with, play with, work alongside, etc. But it seems like my past experiences have taught me that when i open myself to someone who could quite possibly smash my heart to pieces and walk away, no matter how much i think they wont, they always do. I'm not bitter, I'm processing. The bible talks about guarding your hearts but what does that mean in light of love everyone. I don't think you can give love without receiving love or without opening yourself up. I don't want to be that girl that has been left, forgotten, walked away from, ditched, stomped on, or deceived anymore. But i don't know how to not be. Is it a reflection on me or the guys who have been in my life? Is it that I'm too anxious for something God will bring in his own time? I don't know, perhaps i never will. But i don't want to be that single friend either that everyone constantly tries to set up. I'm not asking for a husband, I'm just asking for my heart to not be broken anymore. I didn't think i would recover over the last one, especially because of events happening in the past 7 months. And I'm not recovered yet, but i am recovering. I don't know the future, i don't know what God has for me and if hes still preparing me or preparing that man or both of us. I am more solid right now than i have been and have friends who in all of their own ways wont just let me sit in a corner by myself and cry. They are the crutches that i am standing on, the only means i have to keep walking. On one hand, he was the guy that i have dreamt about, the guy that i knew would be perfect for my heart and take care of me and love me and lead me and encourage me. But on the other hand, maybe it is over, maybe this is God's way of saying 'Not this one' and in that i take comfort. In the fact that God knows me intricately and knows what i need and desire and he wants to fill that, he knows what would be the perfect fit and i have to trust in that. To know that if he isn't/wasn't the guy that i need to keep moving forward and not spend anymore time on clinging hard to the past, but continuing to trust God and move forward. However that is the hard part, it is beyond my understanding and comprehension and i will always wonder what if. I don't want to walk away or give up or let go because he may be the one. That sounds so stupid. I just want to do whatever God wants me to do next. I want to trust him and put my feet where he tells me and be driven by his will and not my own.

I guess i had more to say than i thought.