What hurts the most

Friday was a hard day for me. I'm not sure how it started or where it came from but i cried most of that day. I felt so self conscious and so.... alone i guess. It was good too, though. I drove up to estes to run some errands and see some friends and i just ended up crying the entire drive. I kept hearing all these songs on the radio that reminded me of people or hit certain emotional nerves. The cry was good, it needed to happen and im thankful to have a friend like Christa to sit down with at the end of the day to just process, cry some more, and get reassured of who i am even if i cant see it.

I think i figured out what hurts the most out of this whole situation. I feel like i am beating a dead horse but sometimes thats what you have to do to process things fully. When he started pursuing me last summer, i asked why he liked me and he would say of course that i was bonita and all that good stuff but also a big part of it was that i was different and he liked that a lot. Now, he decieved me in a huge way so im not sure if anything he ever said was true. I still really think that he meant a lot of the stuff he said and was genuine but had a secret life on top of it. Stupid rationalization i know but i dont care. After he left me, well more or less cheated on me, i was left wondering was i still different, am i still beautiful, what did i do wrong, whats wrong with me, am i no longer unique. I spent 5 months asking myself those questions and some days were good and some days were really bad. It was close to the hardest thing ive ever had to face in my life, it wasnt about other people, it was about me. If he loved me as much as he said he did, if he thought i was the world to him, if i was as special and important to this person as he said i was, how could he just forget about me and go on or go back to someone else? Most days i was left by myself to answer those questions, believing that my friends didnt want to hear anymore about it, believing that they thought i should just get over it, so i held it in as much as possible.

However, one day, this man came along, re-entered my life and all those questions were answered. He saw in me that i was different unique and special. Not only that but he was the type of person ive always wanted in my life. He knew how to treat me and take care of me and i knew mostly how to do that for him. I didnt feel worthless and useless and ugly and neglected anymore. It was the best feeling in the world, to not only have someone i was attracted to but someone to share common interests and goals, to have someone as a best friend as well.

So the thing that hurts the most aside from the fact that i lost an amazing friend and person that was in my life, is that im left asking all those questions again, doubting who i am and looking at myself as if im a dented, used, store brand can of anything that no one wants. Im leftovers, im unwanted, im the same as everyone else. Christa assures me that is not true and that i shine bright and that i am unique not because of actions or choices but because of who i am in my heart and how i love people, the things that are special to me alone. Its a struggle that i face, but its probably good for both of us. We spent 4 years apart and changed so much in that time, maybe we still arent ready for eachother, or maybe we arent meant to be, only time will tell.

But i still think of you often as well and pray for you and miss you a ton, more than you could ever know or realize.

"What Hurts The Most"

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do