Submission...?

Today I was fortunate enough to be able to sit in on a Ravencrest class. My good friend Terri was teaching on Titus chapter 2. She is teaching this book with her husband and chapter two has a lot about women's roles and submission so they ultimately decided that it would be best for her to teach that class so that the women could hear about submission not once again from a man, but from another woman who also has to come under that.

I have mixed feelings. I think I get so revved up about it because it is not talked about because it is controversial. All Christian women know about the submissive attitudes they are supposed to have come marriage or even under their father's submission. However, I have struggled with this concept of being under a man's headship or authority ever since I moved out of my father's house and started making all my own decisions and paying all my own bills. I've had conversations with friends about who's headship I am under now and what that looks like and ultimately I have decided that I kept trying to put a man in that position when I should realize I am in a wonderful point in my life when the headship I am under is God's and I should be excited for the sweet relationship and closeness that can come from that instead of like the Israelites, trying to put a physical being in authority over my life.

At one point in the class I heard her saying that the part to the older women who are teaching the younger was towards married women and I asked the question about women being on their own and what headship they come under but what I think I meant to ask was "So, if I never get married, does that keep me grouped in this crowd of women who cant do certain things because they aren't married?" It actually makes me quite upset when I think about it. Yes, I have the desire to get married because of all the things that it can be. I have a passion to work with youth and lead them in Bible studies and teach them about life, however, I have realized through this year of working in youth ministry, how single young women are treated and the roles they are and aren't given. I have realized that there is something about a man and woman being teammates in youth ministry because there is something different that comes from each side and that maybe it is wishful thinking or something that God has put on my heart, but I want to minister with my husband someday. That is my life dream. It doesn't mean I am putting marriage above all else, it means that there is a desire in my heart to minister to people and I will do that to the best of my ability at this time, but that the best way for me to do that in the way God has built me, is with my husband. Sorry, that was somewhat of a tangent.

But I look at the submission we were talking about and what that is and isn't supposed to look like and I wanted to stand up and scream! I don't want to be the stereotypical quiet, non-opinion, door-mat submissive... Because really, submissive is not man is better and higher than woman, it is supposed to be equals--something more with the woman defaulting when no conclusion can be made or common ground found.

Are we as woman so afraid of being submissive because what it may mean for us? Or do we have this idea of what submission is supposed to look like but we are so wrong? This may seem rebellious, but I don't want to be told that I cant do something because I am not married. That seems unfair. And marriage is not a guarantee and it is so frustrating! Why is it that submission has been so misconstrued so that women think they are to be door-mats and not have an opinion. Is that how a man wants his wife?

I think ultimately if we are called to submit (which we are in the correct situations) then it shouldn't be under a totalitarianistic(if that's even a word) man. Is it that we are supposed to default to our husbands or fathers because they are supposed to be our rescuers and protectors and so submitting to them is acknowledging that they know what's best for us in that situation and are trying to do that even if we cant see what's best? Is it because they are our guardians and knights in shining armor and leaders and we are supposed to be meek (not weak) and everything else 'proverbs 31' talks about so sometimes they can make the best decision if we cant?

I think all in all I am frustrated about this idea. I don't understand it and your opinions would be very helpful.

Hey Guys Out There!!!

There are so many things that i wish i could tell my guy friends. I've had conversations with a few of them where they told me about how they think they need so much before they can marry or be in a committed relationship. The standards that they think they are held to (and probably are compared against).

Everyone knows that girls struggle with their image and the standards they are held to--to be the stick thin but curvy, perfect, say all the right things, dont be too clingy...etc! But most people fail to realize that guys go through the same things. It seems as if they dont worry about those things and that they have it all together and are not self-conscious, but from conversations i have had with guy friends, i am slowly learning that it is not true.

I can't imagine the things that guys ultimately struggle with because i am not a guy. I'm not sure the pressures that they feel to have certain things or look a certain way. I hope that i am not one of those girls that makes the guys around me feel like they need to amount to something unattainable.

If i could tell all of my guy friends a few things, these are what they would be: yes, i used to at one point want the big house and the big diamond ring but through life experience and providing for myself, i have realized that stuff isn't important. Yes, it is true a girl wants to be provided for but speaking for myself, the most important provision is a spiritual and emotional provision and then financial. As a woman i believe that if i were to be married to someone i would be his help mate, not his doormat, not his burden, and not his financial obligation. I would be his teammate and it wouldn't be completely left up to him because if i have learned anything in this past year of providing for myself, it is that its not easy by any means. I have learned that you dont need an excess, just enough to get by. I would like to tell my guy friends that i'm not looking for that toned 6 pack with the perfect look. I want my guy friends to know that it doesnt matter if they are a huge business exec or a poor ministry worker, i will love them anyway. And last but certainly not least, the thing i would tell them is that the sexiest quality of all is a man who is willing to show who he truly is, be vulnerable and open and show their weaknesses because when they are weak it is when Christ is strongest in them--and that a passion for Christ and wanting to know him more in incredibly endearing.

I hope that this helps and encourages and lifts up any of my guy friends who read this and that for any of my girl friends reading it, that they would be encouraged to love on the guys around them and encourage them to be the men that they are meant to be.

Love you all.

Led to pray

I'm such a sap! Actually, this is one of those times i would consider my capacity to feel (or being emotional) a good thing and what God intended it for.

Three times today i have been brought to tears and led to prayer by the Holy Spirit for people or situations going on around me. I'm not sure why. I haven't felt close to God lately but maybe this is His way of showing that He can use me even when i can't feel that He's there.

There are sometimes when you wish you could do so much for people or give them that advice that they are looking for but the words and the actions just dont come and the only thing you can do is pray. I partly hate that phrase 'the only thing you can do is pray'. But a lot of times we want to do things ourselves to help others and there is nothing we can do because we are not in control. So while it becomes the only action we can take, we fail to see the awesomeness in that. The God of the Universe leading us to talk to Him on behalf of others, because He is in control and He can handle it. It's quite amazing when you think about it.

Turning the corner

I am not sure if there is actually something about just asking for help and letting others know that you need it that makes you feel better. Maybe it was chatting with Nyssa and knowing someone is praying. Maybe it was hanging out with my old roommate and realizing that they only way we even have a friendship is because its a God thing. But somehow along the way between my post the other day last night and now, the day is looking a little brighter and i feel a lil more sure that God is doing something, even if i may not realize it. Praise God!

Whaddya think?

I found this on someone else's blog and i think it may be fun.
Will you comment me and answer it truthfully?

1. Who are you?:
2. Are we friends?:
3. When and how did we meet?:
4. Do you (or did you ever) have a crush on me?:
5. Would you kiss me?:
6. Describe me in one word:
7. What was your first impression?:
8. Do you still think that way about me now?:
9. What reminds you of me?:
10. How many eyebrows do i have?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?:
12. How well do you know me?:
13. When's the last time you saw me?:
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?:

Suffocation...

What happens when:
You know you are a believer--but you can't feel anymore?

Nothing in your life revolves around God or seems to be dependent on Him?

You feel you are lacking in everything?

You have no one to keep you accountable?

You just don't care anymore?

You hear people talking about church and beliefs and you're just like oh ok and walk away?

You have nothing left to say to God?

You are so dry that you are rotting from the inside out?

GOD, WHERE ARE YOU?! I NEED YOUR HELP AND I CAN'T PLAY THIS GAME ANYMORE...PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE SEND ME SOME ENCOURAGEMENT AND FEELING AND FAITH...PLEASE LET ME SEE YOU, I'M SUFFOCATING...

Mercy Me

Stacy has inspired me lately to listen to Mercy Me. I LOVED them in highschool, even went to their concert (didnt let having tickets with the ex-bf and his entire family or mono stop me). I think being at RC the last couple years i've been exposed to so much more music that my 'old stuff' kinda got left behind but it was fun to hear them again. I forgot how much i liked their stuff. Their lyrics have always meant a lot to me, or say exactly what i need to say when i cant find the words. The 2 songs that really stuck out to me on their cd this afternoon was "Word of God Speak" and "Spoken for".

Word of God Speak
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

CHORUS
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

REPEAT CHORUS 2x

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

I listen to this song and the picture in my head is me, on bended knee, bowed over, face in hands and then reaching up to the sky and pleading...begging for the Word of God to speak. Lost and not able to feel His presence or like i even have a relationship with Him. I know He hears me, i know He's there, in my mind. But the way i feel is different. I wonder how far i've fallen or allowed myself to walk away, or maybe this is just a teaching period in life. But i feel like i cant see Him or hear Him. I realize that i have issues with trust and faith and dependance even as much as i may want those things. I know that i 'prayed the prayer' and that he changed my heart and my life and i hold firm that one cannot lose their salvation... but then i question or doubt why i feel this way and where is God? Is it my laziness or pride or selfishness that is in the way? Am i doing something wrong, unconfessed sin? I know that there are relationships or issues in my life that need to be resolved but its not an instant thing, it is something to be worked out--a process. Am i unwilling to be in process?

It's like at the beginning of that song, it seems i am or someone is pleading out for God to speak to them, give them a hope that He is still around and praying so desperately.... and then the second verse, its like God has shown himself and that person is completely still and completely peaceful. I feel stuck in the first verse. Pleading.

But then there's the song "There's a Reason" and the first verse strikes me-- "Now's the time, Let the redeemed celebrate, If you know what I know, You can't wipe the smile off your face, Oh people, stand up and praise!" And i know what he knows, but there is no smile....what does that say about me and my walk with God?

Spoken For

Take this world from me

I don't need it anymore

I am finally free

My heart is spoken for

Oh and I praise you

Oh and I worship you...

Covered by your love divine

Child of the risen Lord

To hear you say "This one's mine"

My heart is spoken for

Now I have a peace

I've never known before

I find myself complete

My heart is spoken for

Oh and I praise you

Oh and I worship you...

Covered by your love divine

Child of the risen Lord

To hear you say "This one's mine"

My heart is spoken for

By the power of the cross

You've taken what was lost

And made it fully yours

And I have been redeemed

By you that spoke to me

Now I am spoken for

Covered by your love divine

Child of the risen Lord

To hear you say "This one's mine"

My heart is spoken for

Take this world from me

Don't need it anymore...

I hear this song and i think it is so romantic to be "spoken for". For someone to speak up and claim you as their own, but not as property, a different kind of claim. It's like someone were saying, she is my love and i will never let her go. To have Jesus say that of me. He is called in scripture, our Bridegroom. We or at least i, fail to see him in such a romantic or lover-like light. But to have him call me His, to rescue me, to be covered by his love.

I can make up a romantic fairy tale about it... but i dont feel anything right now.

Quick Update

Hey, just wanted to let you know, if you were praying for my brother and his wife and their baby, all are doing well. They are not quite sure what was wrong but baby is lookin good and sonogram pics were taken.

Also, today i applied/interviewed at a bank today which would be an awesome job and give me good experience for applying for a bank job once i move to Tucson. Please pray that God's will would be done and that the bank job and my job at mama roses would be able to work out together.

Thanks.

Walk the Line

I saw the movie Walk the Line the other night (finally!). A friend told me awhile ago that the story line had a lot to do with her life so i was somewhat distracted while watching. However, after the movie it left me with a few thoughts.

I did like the movie and i thought that the actors did an amazing job. I dont know much about the story of Jonny Cash because its a lil bit before my time so it was a lil hard to follow. And yes, i did find the romance between Cash and Carter to be sweet--the fact that they stayed married for 35 years, basically until they both died. BUT, it left me questioning, where is the sanctity of marriage. I found myself cheering on Cash and Carter because you could tell that they loved eachother and would make eachother happy... but then i realized i was voting for him to divorce and then them to marry. Yes, i realize it is just a movie, however, it made me question if we are all just waiting for something better to come along? And what if we do marry and meet someone down the road that might suit us so much better? is the message that we are all cheering for to go for that something thats better because we made a wrong choice the first time around? Cash promised his wife before he married her that he would love her and take care of her forever and he went back on that cuz he found something he liked better. If it was meant to be that way in the first place (Cash and Carter together) wouldn't God have made it so or is that leaving too much up to fate?

It just makes me question, are we always looking for the better thing and is the message, well if its better then go out and get it?

Please Pray

My brother and his wife are having a baby...and she's bleeding. PLEASE PRAY.

The words that dont do the inner groanings justice

My life in one word--irony. I was driving down the canyon yesterday to get my transmission check over and a quote for the repairs and when i was only a few blocks away my tire broke almost completely off. I was making a left hand turn and all the sudden my car started making the most awful clunking noise so i pulled over into a Speedy's auto glass repair shop (if you are ever in Longmont, Co and need glass repair, GO TO THEM, they are awesome). As i get out of the car someone is yelling to my that my back tire is about to fall off and then they just drove away--it left me asking the question why they didn't stop to help. Anywho, i looked at my left rear tire and sure enough it was on crooked, it looked like something under the car had buckled and if my other tire had done it as well, my car would have been belly flat on the ground with both tires sticking out the side. So the guys in the auto glass shop came out and tried to jack my car up and look and they realized it was something to do with the ball-joint that would have to be replaced. At that point i ended up making a lot of phone calls. i left my car there and took a walk around the area while trying to figure out what to do. I came up to a coffee shop on the right and a liquor store on the left. At this point i was on the phone with my dad and told him it was a good thing that i wasnt 21 yet because i would definitely go buy a bottle and just drink straight out of it. he said it would have been appropriate for the situation and that i should have had the auto glass guys buy me some. However, i opted out for a 'medium' (it wasnt starbucks) latte with vanilla and raspberry syrup with an extra shot. I went back to the shop and they suggested and called a place for me that could check it out and give me an estimate on the damage. I found out i was still on my parents AAA (thanks 'rents) and called them to tow me to the garage. It took them an hour and a half to come and get me. I got to the garage and they hoisted my car up and in the end told me the ball joint came out and broke and that a lot of it was rusted together so more parts would have to be replaced and for just that one side it would cost a couple hundred dollars for the labor alone and then parts on top of that. I asked them about also repairing the other side and that would be more money and that if i didnt fix it i would just be waiting for that side to break also. At that point i realized i had probably an hour to an hour and 15 mins to get to work on time (at 3) and i had no ride because they said my car was definitely not going anywhere that day. I called friend at Ravencrest and they asked around and Pj came to get me. While i waited during that last hour i took another walk around the area and looked at used cars. I test drove a 98 Dodge Neon that i wasnt thrilled about and i probably wont go back there. In the end i have to decide now with my transmission needing to be fixed and now with this new problem, is it worth it to fix my car and im pretty much leaning towards no. im waiting to hear back from them and hear from my dad after he talks to them. But my car is left by itself in Longmont--45 minutes away and i have to navigate estes on feet or bicycle (thanks to the baker's) and other peoples generosity.

I cant help but feel defeated. I had accepted it and was ok with it until on the news this morning they said it is supposed to snow 8-16 inches here in the next two days and really how do you get around in that on feet or bike? It is just stuff, but it leaves me questioning if i did something wrong or if i've missed this big lesson that God was trying to teach me and this is the consequence of if this stuff just happens. Did i not really give my finances over to God and this is him trying to teach me that? I realize that ever since last may i have been trying to be independant and pay bills on my own and be responsible, but in that process did i make myself independant from God too as far as finances goes? It leaves me asking the bigger questions about the situation and feeling like the 'shut in' who constantly needs help and i hate that. But i am floored by the generosity of friends and those around me--the heartfelt apologies for my situation, and picking me up and doing my laundry cuz i cant possibly get in anywhere by myself.

On the positive and best note of the situation, this is awesome. Ever since my car lost 5th gear i have been worried about taking it out of estes because i was afraid it would break and leave me stranded or cause an accident. Everytime i go down the canyon i pray first because i am scared and there is possibility for injury. So i prayed yesterday that i would have a safe trip down. I was having a great time driving and it was a beautiful day and i was taking those mountain road curves at like 60. I can't help but look back and see the way God protected me. The fact that it broke in a populated area where i had phone service, where no accident or injury occured because of it. If it would have happened in the canyon i couldnt have called anyone, there are no pull offs so there is the bigger danger of getting hit with my car in the middle of the road, the tire could have fallen completely off in the canyon and i could have hit another car or the mountainside or even gone over the edge. I cant explain the feeling i get when thinking about that. Yes, Pj did rescue me when he came and got me and yes others rescued me in a sense of helping me out all day, but the real Rescuer was God, because none of those other people would have mattered had he not rescued me in the beginning. And i am very grateful for that.

So please keep me in your prayers, this situation, that my eyes would be opened to a lesson that God might be trying to teach me, that he would provide and i would trust in his provision and lean fully on him. And that my attitude would be lifted up cuz it really sucks right now.

Thanks.

Fallen

I am realizing the sinner inside me. I think as a christian--most of the time i live my life in the mind set of being redeemed--but forgetting the redemption. I like to think myself perfect (Ashamed to admit). Most of the time i figure i'm not making the "big" mistakes so i should be OK. But today i am faced with my humanity. I am humbled and broken. No one-ever-(except Christ) has or ever will be perfect. And it is only through Christ that i am redeemed. However, i cannot go through life thinking i am perfect unless i first and foremost remember the only way i could be perfect. We sang "As the Deer" in church today and i have missed that song. It touches me on many levels. It talks about my soul longing for the Lord--Oh Father, create in me a thirst. There's a phrase in it that says "you alone are my spirit's yield" and it captured me. Why do i let my sufficiency come from others and who are they to tell me about myself. That is Christ's place! Oh Lord, help me to place my security and self worth and trust in You. Lord use my brokeness for your glory and growth in my life.

As the deer panteths for the water,

So my soul longeth after thee.

You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship you.

CHORUS:
You alone are my strength, my shield.
You alone are my spirit's yield.
You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship you.

I want you more than gold or silver
Only you can satisfy
You alone are the real joy giver
And the apple of my eye
(Repeat Chorus)

You're my friend, and You are my brother
Even though You are a King.
I love You more than any other so much than anything
(Repeat Chorus)